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Emo Dork

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(no subject) [Apr. 24th, 2005|10:32 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Burns Out Bright - Watership Down]


A good friend, in the middle of conversation, whispers/says "You were never my friend". Mortukante, to leave it at one word.


I used to help a girl out in Algebra a lot in eighth grade. Her mom even asked me to come over once to help the dang girl. The mom had hired so many of those $25 an hour tutors to get her to pass, but they didn't work. I, oddly, did, though.

Just this week, during a class discussion, I butted in to say my opinion. Her face went expressionless in the middle of her laugh and criticized the thought. Then, she criticized me. The teacher did nothing and I ended up crying in class.


I'm working after working 9 hours, sleeping 5 hours, then going in right away for morning shift. A guy walks in with his friend and starts yelling and screaming about his fun at a party. He checks his schedule and the manager says "Leave already, you're not supposed to be here. You can't do what you want, get out!" and he goes to the grill, puts a quarter pounder there, and presses the buttons that lowers the heating plate and screams "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, WHOO!" I almost got my hand burned off like that. I got the meat pattie and through it at his "$100" jeans. They stained badly. He got so mad, he started threatening and cussing me. He actually waited for me outside, and the rumor goes, he's tempted to kick me out of McDonald's the literal way.


I listen on to a conversation in class about McDonald's. Maybe the people who were holding the conversation knew I was listening, but they talked of how the managers hated some people. All the managers seem to have some grievances or sumfin' against me. They did not like how I was always serious or how I do not say "okay" to orders and just do them. The managers also hate how they cannot give me even a slight pack on the back because I will move away quickly and wash it off when no one's looking.

Then they talked of what the employees thought of me. Grotesque, uncleansed hatred. They think I'm homosexual. They're convinced that I'm the weirdest person they know with all the movement speed, seriousness, and the constant finger popping habit.


All these "important" things are really ticking me off. And how people overexaggerate the news. TAKS, the pope. It's all about "Eee, I'm going to do bad on the SAT" and "AP doesn't matter. You can just take the class regularly. You'll learn more, anyway" and "TAKS is so much stress!". Yep. Those are thoughts of an AP class in high school. A minimum standards test that every high school student in the state will take. Even more, I got mad because I don't see the difference between $14,000 and $90,000 a year. If you can't be happy alone, money won't aid much. It'll be such a fake happiness you'll "enjoy". But t'watever; claim I say that because I don't have friends. And laugh about that, too. I'll laugh because you do have friends.

This is not a shoutout, but more of a claim. I'm glad the good friend and I are not "friends" anymore, by the way. She got rid of me? I got rid of her.
And so it should be stated to the people I don't talk to anymore. Not going to revive friendships. Let them disappear into a memory you can't really go back to because it was thought nothing of. I don't mind; this will go ignored by me and I go on my way to find the seven real friends I hold in my daydreams.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2005|11:55 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |stressedstressed]
[music |Something Corproate - Airports]

Dear Figure,

I woke up and scratched my back. I felt like the ants were now climbing to the top bunk bed and biting at me. Sheesh, I should stop wearing the "bite me" wristband... anyway, I started my own breakfast and rushed into the restroom for a 6 minute in/out shower. I got out and took out breakfast from oven and all. I ate, yum yum, made the mess, cleaned it, and got to finishing the fourth monthiversary present for Frances. They were just a practice of puns or sumfin'... um, I got a fruit basket and filled it with craft fruits. (Those only took like 4 hours and $20 to find and buy as compared to the 7 hours I thought I was going to spend) I'd write things like

(on the plum): Most people just fall into a crush, but for me, I almost plummeted... and I'm so glad I fell into your hug than leaving it to just that; a fall.
(on the pear): We make a great pear!
(on the orange): Orange you glad we're together! =)

So on... the rest are less general and are targeted more for the purpose of the relationship, what kind of person she is, and inside jokes that people would look at and say "Um okay?" while she'd be trying to catch her breath... that kinda shtuff. Every month, I add a rose to the amount I give her so... for four months, I'd be giving her four roses. Different color each month. This month was white...

In the morning, I sat on the cafeteria tables. About 4 minutes later, I look around and see that she's giving advice to a guy who is crying behind sunglasses. Frances was comforting him, so I decided to just try to calm down. I had been angry over the weekend since every event is, like, RIGHT on top of each other... heck, it's 12:04 AM, and this is my "free time" I've stolen from my sleep. But anyway. Eventually, she came behind me and poked me. We walked around the school and when the bell rang, kept walking and talking of ... oh geez, I forgot what this conversation was about. I know we mentioned how dogs are known to chase her as she's daydreaming and shtuff like that...

In first block, breakfast was served because the campus I attend is under this federal program that requires the bell to ring 10 minutes earlier and closes the cafeteria, but the classrooms pass out small, free breakfasts to every kid in school. Anyway, the pledge of allegiance passes, the teacher reminds teaches about 1-D and 2-D dimensional graphs. It is very fun to see people struggle on plotting points like (1,2), (3,-9) and (2,8), finding the distance between each, and figuring out the fourth point to form a rhombus. That requires the distance program formula! ...

In second block, I was having a one-sided conversation with Jeanette. I was speaking in very random shtuff like "Imagine! The world being ruled by guys. Valentine's Day would be on February 29 so it only comes once a leap year and... the trash would take itself out..." and I kept going. @_@ Like 5 people asked me for headphones... Jackie, who asked that, actually stayed to talk. She's very annoying and I sometimes wonder if she can do this to just about anyone she sees. She started with her "working at McDonald's" stories. I eventually told her that she should listen to herself so she can know how boring of a person she is. She went on, rambling about how I remind her of this other rude manager at McDonald's........... and so on.......

During Lunch, Frances and I walked around and talked of ... how her little sister is starting to be curious on the subject of "How are babies formed? Mommy never lays eggs..." ... of how everyone has passed by to tell her of how neat the fruit basket and roses looks, who is it for, whatever... and when we ate lunch, a janitor passed by to ask that. I hate janitors... almost as bad as Catholics and fat people. The lady was on asking about it and I felt like rudely telling her to scram... but I smiled it off when she asked me if I had bought these things for her... later, we talked of a girl who had married her cousin. Frances had grown to be good friends with her. This girl must've taken "Love ya'" from her cousin too seriously. The cousin and Frances's friend fell in love, knowing they were cousins, and ater 5 months, married... heh... romantic...?...

During third block, the mam went on and on about the Civil War. She finished a whole bottle of water just because she kept getting a dry mouth... she doesn't even stop to breathe as she rambles. ~_~

During fourth block, the sir gave a quiz out. I saw a quiz on the floor with the answers that said "All questions are FALSE except number 10..." I disobeyed and eventually, when we checked papers, the paper on the floor would prove itself right. I got an 80 for not obeying a paper...

After school, Frances and I talked just a bit before her fifth class and my band practice. She talked of how and why she never had a quinciñera... the 15 minutes flew out of that. She hugged me tight, held my hands, and walked away. Usually, she just pokes and waves... and we dun ever display any more than an affectionate poke, so this was surprising.

During band practice, the band dictator instructed of his blueprints map and charts of tomorrow's stealth operation band competition. Then, we rehearsed for 2 hours, correcting music and reloading polishing the noticeable exterior of our equipment instruments. After practice, I put my instruments away and left the barracks Band Hall to go home to go be a civilian for 18 more hours.

I helped my mom wash her car and the dishes. I finished up an Excel spreadsheet ***ignment for BCIS II and picked up the trash. By this time, I took a shower and heated everything that said "MICROWAVE</s>" on it for dinner. It was 11 at the time I was done with this paragraph...

I fear I might have gotten Frances in trouble. Usually, she has a way to sneak away the monthly presents I give her. Her parents pick her up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday because she has college/universtiy classes those days. Today so happened to be the Monday that she can't take the bus, rush in the house, and slam everything into the attic!...
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(no subject) [Apr. 9th, 2005|11:00 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |rushedrushed]
[music |Legend of Dragoon - Swamp Battle]

Dear Figure,

It's not because I don't want to update this thing. Heck, I daydream my day into an LJ entry. ~_~ I just can't get out of the schedule other people have lined up for me. I lose sleep just trying to catch up to school, work, and extracurricular activities. People WOULD call this stress but to me, it's not "stress", especially since I need to do no form of communication to do any of those. Easy routines.

I want to do so much. Talk to Jojo again. Speak with Gracie about her entry on her belief of marriage. Pass by Frances's house from the outside just out of some random "check up" because her mom is out of town and, welp, only the dad is there with 3 kids... send Rob information to prove his chemistry thoughts wrong and correct. Play some Lineage or something to cool my mind off (I felt my first headache on Thursday). Get ideas ready for the 4-monthiversary for Frances and I. I'm so unprepared...

dang it. The only reason I'd want to go to the Band Hall right now is to burn it, but I have to go... >_>
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Let that music hit me! [Apr. 2nd, 2005|02:42 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |energeticenergetic]
[music |Jamiroquai - Canned Heat]

* Came from work at 2.
* I'ma try to learn the Napoleon Dynamite dance by May 9 for the schoolwide talent show. It may be hard to get a usually conservative and technical guy like me to self-teach myself to get a groove on and swing them hips ... like a hippy? Nuh, but yesh... ~_~ this is what I get for trying too hard to be funny. I still hafta sign up, and I hope no one has beat me to the idea. I need a Pedro Sanchez and a principal for the part before it so it won't be just the dance... it'll be like my introduction. I needsta find the shirt and hair wig for it and even more importantly, learn the steps.
* District UIL tournament in 5 hours 16 minutes. My mind is not ready for math.
* I really would hate to be bored for 6 hours and, with this time, I'd want to talk to some people, but seeing as they do the teenager-sleep-in thing and wake up at 3 PM, I might as well think about things and, out of thinking too much, come to wrong conclusions.
* Frances was talking of what college she wanted to and said Columbia University in New York. She even gave all these reasons and said she had been thinking of it a lot, too. Geez! My 'stalker' is going to follow me in university choice!
* Sorry, just wanted to make the star total to six...
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The day Joker got away [Mar. 30th, 2005|10:14 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |Spill Canvas - All Hail the Heartbreaker]

Dear Figure,

I woke up from my 4 hour sleep. I wondered if I could get through today after the short sleep. I underestimated how sleepy I was and jumped right off the top bunk bed to the floor and rubbed my knee in the bumpy pain. It left almost completely in seconds, but anyway, I got ready for school by showering and wearing a dark grey shirt and faded-from-laundry black pants. I sighed and went out the door.

Along the way to school, the sun was too bright. I started walking with my eyes closed and opening them when I felt as if I had gone too off the sidewalk. On the shortcut route, I left my eyelids closed for about two minutes... and I open them to see this colossal, grey, hairy dog in front of me. As most dogs do, it barked loudly and furiously like I had just escaped prison and was on my runaway plan. But the dog missed out on evolution and, well, it didn't know what to do after barking... so it chased me almost to the school but scurried off after it saw so many ... "Oh wow, what are those things called?"... cars.

In the morning, I sat in the cafeteria and waited for Frances. It was about 8:15 AM when I arrived at school. I started reading the book "Always in my Mind". I had to re-read the first two pages because the introductions of about seven people occured too quick to find the relationships between each character. Eventually, I got impatient and decided to find Frances. I went to the library. The door had a poster that said "LIBRARY CLOSED", yet it was full of teenagers doing nothing productive. I went inside and didn't find Frances. I walked off the other entrance/exit and almost bumped into her. She went on to say how she KNEW something like this would happen in the morning. She was so sleepy... instead of -_-, it looked more like _._ Sheesh. Eyes underneath the nose typa thing. But the bell rang pretty soon, and... well, not that it's not pretty NOW... but it rang pretty soon and we walked off to our separate classes and, as usual, I arrived late to my first block. The mam greeted me with "Corale Miguel!" and I responded with "Nah, walking is faster"... you just hafta see my school walking speed. @_@ I can actually get into car wrecks with it.

In first block, we went over many geometry problems. This was a favorable class period because I kept teaching the class because not even the teacher knew how to do some problems... or I think she just didn't remember as fast as I could. Things like... patterns, especially. Like... the problem had a square cut into 4 pieces and a broken line was drawn with the least amount of curves to touch the center of each square. After cutting the square into 4 pieces 5 times and doing the method, what is the least number of lines there could be? Yeh, that one was fun. x_x For me, anyway.

In second block, I listened to Legend of Dragoon music. I downloaded the whole Original Soundtrack onto the computer and looked for the song I am always searching for. I really dun like making shout outs in a blog, but if anyone has ever played that game, I'm looking for the battle song in Forbidden Land. Even the name of that song would help... I'll offer, uh... cash reward? =D... +_+ I'm also looking for "Conkram" from Legend of Legaia. Such a sweet song... I used to cry to it in seventh grade. x_x But anyway, I'm updating on the past... welp! Second block was a bore. Jeanette stuck to her blogging skill and used it to its full potential by making entries of repitition about her life...

In Lunch, Frances and I walked around the school aimlessly. We talked about the problems people came up to her for. For a while, I analyzed each situation... but it almost confirmed my little guess. Out of the wrong moment's possibilities in chances, I asked "How come... well... why are you so worried?" and she paused and gave that shocked look you only see people do after they learn about the monster in the closet. "How can you tell...?" she asked.
I had no answer to that. I couldn't just say "Your happiness does not match with your selection of words", could I? In a wrong moment, everything is wrong.
She didn't talk of it, though. She diverted the subject onto what a "care plant" is and what it is like. From then on, it felt like small talk.

In third block, the mam was so generous! She kept giving us ***ignments and handouts to read. It wasn't boring or fun. It wasn't in the middle, either. In fact, if I said it was "indescribable", that would be describing it, so I can't decide what to describe it as. It was all on the Revolutionary War, the Declaration of Independence, and everything you would need to know about settling in a new continent.

Along the way to third, Frances talked of how her third block class had an ***ignment two minutes before the bell. She claimed only three people finished. I guessed, "You and the people next to you or...?" We went into class and agreed to meet after school.

In fourth block, the sir kept giving us Timed Reading Passages with Questions and talking of the fun you can have at Sea World. I have never been there. But the celebrity whale, Shamu, is the main attraction. Supposedly, a person feels childish enough to scream "SPLASH ME! SPLASH ME!", but that's up to the person's discretion and care of social reputation. =P There was also a quiz on random vocabulary words. He gave us a word that, by chance, we would know, and we would write down the definition. For example:

TEACHER: "Esoteric"
KID: "We don't know what these words mean..."

You'd have to know esoteric's definition to perhaps simply smile to that.

After fourth block, Frances and stood around the area right outside her fifth class. It's actually a college course, but it's counted as high school credit, too. She hinted out what she was worried about. From overanalyzation, I think she's in high doubts that she can finish high school or, ultimately, "will I make it?" I'd need the definition of "it"... I have all the bad jokes to that, but it's always the wrong serious moment to say "We could all reach our goals if we only played soccer!"

She went to the room with her class and found a dark room with nobody in it. Her backpack was on the desk she put it on. Puzzled, she called her dad to pick her up. The man started screaming things like "¿QUE ESTABAS HACIENDO MENTRAS QUE LA CLASE COMENZA?" Really arrogant, paranoid man. He thinks the whole world is out to get his daughter. She got almost despondent and I started worrying beyond the limits even fantasy would give it. The time came to wave goodbye, but we didn't. We just trailed off in opposite directions with our heads down, knowing everything we had to say would be of no help...

During Band practice, the Band dictator director dictated lectured on how great the band's sound was and how he brags about it to everyone he meets. He believes the school band can be the best Honors Band in Texas. I should've flung the gum underneath my chair at the air to disrupt the brainwashing method. Eventually, he conducted with his magic wand baton. We left 10 minutes later than the practice time and everyone scattered to their appropriate barracks left home.

I walked home and noticed that the house I usually break into (because it's not done) had locks placed on the doors. A fence stood intact around the area. It was ready to be sold and occupied by anyone who wanted a two-story house in the middle of a street with one-story houses. I wondered if I had ever left anything in there and knew it was too late to save it.

I got home and started on my homework. I paused to get online to update. Jeanette IM'ed me to say she was pissed at the whole world. Since I am no good at comforting people, she went on to message "you don't care. you aren't hoping i get better. you even said you don't care. we both know you don't" and changed her screen name for more attention, I think. I decided to leave that conversation alone. I started this entry and was chatting with Amy for just a while until she had to go. Hope that conversation wasn't too awkward or sumfin'.

I don't want to leave this entry in mid-sentence, but I mi
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2005|11:38 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |sleepysleepy]
[music |Green Day - Redundant]

Dear Figure,

I fell. I made 88 new enemies out of that fall...

I woke up in the morning. I think that's the first mistake. The Diaz family members were taking pictures of each other as a small "oo, i'm goign to get u!"... yep, they make typos as they speak. I went through each room, grabbing my clothes in my brothers' room, my shoes in my sisters' room, my towel in the living room sofa, and new bathroom necessities at the laundry room thing in the middle of the hallway. I sleepily pushed open the door to the restroom and... well, showered. I got out smelling like soap and clothes. I went off walking to school at 7:49 AM without breakfast. I was so mad, I almost forgot my backpack, too, but paused at the door.

I trail on with my trombone inside a trombone case and a music binder on one hand and backpack on the back. The nebulous weather of the morning set hopes that the bad day would be someone else's.

Sadly, I should've known to hope for my own bad day because...

Frances was in the school library, reading an article in Spanish about democracy. She closes it immediately and says "Hey" with a weak smile. We walk off around the school with no direction. She spoke of her Spring Break adventures all throughout the morning. She asked about mine at one point, but as I started, she gave her own anecdote of a similar mishappening. I listened and commented when appropriate or necessary to get her going. When the bell rang, we walked off just a bit and she asked me to meet her in Lunch. She wanted to spend Lunch period with me instead of sitting with her friends or sumfin'. I agreed and we left in a shy wave.

In first block, I had the "If you talk to me, I'll kidnap your parents" mood and face. No one talks to me in that class and I don't talk to anyone. Later, when I had courage, I started answering the math problems as I usually do. I got it wrong. The class erupted in laughter that hurt my courage to even talk at all. Must've been an overreaction.

In second block, Jeanette came up with her own Spring Break monologue. She talked endlessly on her boyfriend, Tito, and her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, Kimberly. How the ex-girlfriend is the ultimate stalker and knows anything Jeanette does. How the boyfriend admitted he wasn't a virgin and went off to walk for four hours at 1:00 AM and called Jeanette at 5:00 AM to talk about his confusion. And I don't think anyone understands how much I hate topical conversations. I listened with fake joyness. Eventually, I drifted off the conversation to things I would do so I can make fantasy humor. I'd say things like "Sheesh, yesh... I swear, when I build a time machine, I'm not going to let anyone go in it". For some reason, she laughed too hard to breathe for 45 seconds... +_+ and then I asked her "It's weird... well, Kimberly goes by Kim to be cute, right? And you go by Jean... and... well... does your boyfriend go by Tit?" That got her laughing just as hard, but I was actually in a wonderful state. (full of wonder) Eventually, I accidentally cussed out loud and she asked "Catholics?". I told her "Yes, one of them dumped a whole gallon of holy water on me..." and she stared at me with big eyes. She drifted it off to her own anecdote of the same subject, and I thought to myself "Dios, cuantos personas de igual mismo traes en este pinche mundo?"

In Lunch, Frances and I paced around the school, talking of how mischievious her little brother is and how Frances got to throw sand at everyone in the family for Easter. She had been the main target in a 50-people rumble of egg-tossing. Apparently, she took out a water gun and made life harder for those without clothes. o_o And besides that, there was small talk of government and religion. Those are subjects that never finish, geez. ~_~

In third block, the mam talked of her Spring Break. She hinted out that she got wasted. @_@ She chose everyone to say a little about their's. Many people would say "South Padre Island". It annoyed me so much, my ear didn't accept the sound waves anymore. I ignored it all and daydreamed of 'things that could be'... then, she went on about wavelength and frequency. She teaches as if she were the Idiot's Guide to Physics. ~_~

Along the way to fourth, Frances and I didn't realize the bell rang. I know we had been discussing something about how I laughed at her when all I really did was laugh at my own thought. Then she talked of her 5 page essay and I was like "Geez, what a waste of 20 minutes..." She answered in shock. I think 5 page essays are like 1 hour to 1 hour 30 minutes without editing? Sumfin' like that.

In fourth block, we watched some movie named Mi Familia. The struggles of the migrant worker with a "HAH! We win!", happy ending.

After school, I had no idea what to do for 30 minutes. I stood against a bench and stared at a wall for 20 minutes and went to the Band Hall... he dictated for about 20 minutes on how special the band is. Then the Band croaked played for an hour and a half and was dismissed.

After after school, I walked home in thought of "why am I like this" and "what can I do about the 88 enemies, even if only about 10 of them act on their vow?".

Other than that, I called McDonald's to ask what my schedule was like. Apparently, they gave me today from 5-12 to work. I signed up for weekends. They take my hours away. I walk home to and from it too long. The manager hung up as soon as she told me that I had to work today.

That one not-so-little secret that controls my thoughts... I can't even get angry properly.
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(no subject) [Mar. 25th, 2005|07:19 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |Green Day - Panic Song]

Dear Figure,

Hard day. I can't calm down. It's been 9 hours that I've been angry and still, my seventh sense tells me that the trash is full and the dishes are dirtier than a mind.

It was early in the morning and I was finishing up the daily part of the year-long project when my brother calls and tells me to get online to do an online game errand. "Only about 20 minutes"

If you do it right, 20 minutes.

It took about 4 hours... I had to speak with people who knew only Chinese. I had to lead them through maps on the game and they wouldn't listen. I spoke with all the words I knew in Chinese, but when they spoke back, it all looked dirtier than dishes to me. I tried translating them, but it wasn't sufficient in speed for the errand... (heck, one of the guys was just cussing at me repeatedly and I didn't know it until the translator showed it)
I had to work at 5:00 PM... and I was done with them at 4:47 PM. I didn't get to eat Lunch, so I'd be looking forward to my break even when I got in.

I got in and YEP! The freaking Catholics! They kept ordering Filet-O-Fish. Grrr... >_< oh, oh. This little kid went complaining with his mom over... oh man... I'll let you laugh before the punch line. ~_~ Grilled onions! Who ever asks for that!? Geez! It was like... ~_~ "and you can taste the difference?" There's not even an option for that, but we tried to anyway... we found out that burning onions has the same effect because, welp, that's what happens to grilled onions.
Dang Catholics...
At about 7:24 PM, I got my break... I was the last one to get a break. I got a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese and small fries with small drink. Like I predicted, it was only enough to satisfy lunch and dinner.
And then at 7:59 PM, I'm asked to clock out.
And my 8 hour work day is changed to 3 hours!
This angered me because Mother Diaz agreed to go to the mall and movies with my two sisters and third oldest brother at 8:00 PM...
really dumb.

One hour and 10 minutes is what it takes to walk from Wal-Mart to my house in a brisk walk.

I walked and jogged home in 44 minutes.
Along the way, I kept thinking of how anyone else would do this... be so paranoid of drunk drivers or things that pop out of the huge grassy and tree-filled area on the side of the sidewalks away from the streets. I questioned if it was worth it. I got mad at people in my mind. I wondered why I was always doing things like this... and way to go when I was done! I must have forgotten that I've got so far to go because, welp, there's still a year and two months left!

I broke into my own house and got online... and read my girlfriend's e-mail. It had been the first e-mail she replies to since December...
I don't even know if I should reply. It's all about how she went to church and almost felt God come to her and pray alongside and...
That's another, what I'd consider, attack from the Catholics.
Even the president made a speech against atheists... I never EVER get to hear some atheist assembly ...... always the "Please rise for the Our Father" in a PUBLIC football game.
I can't calm down. I hate sounding airheaded in a teenage angst entry. I'd blow the steam, but I don't like to fart.
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(no subject) [Mar. 24th, 2005|11:36 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[music |The Juliana Theory - Duane Joseph]

Dear Figure,

Forcefully, I kept working on the year-long project. I couldn't seem to find the energy to keep going. And when I daydream of myself in this situation and then am put to it, I know I underestimate it too much. Finally, my eyes won the battle of the staring eye contest... I went to go sleep at 2:30 AM, sobbing less than usual.

I woke up at 9:18 AM. I got up, did not smell the coffee, and made the breakfast tacos. It's odd that I'm making them now. My mom leaves the dishes for me, too. Usually, she would at lesat rinse them since she has like 10 minutes from rushing through her morning to get ready... but nuh, she prefers to be generous enough to give... me the chores, anyway.

At about 11:30 AM, she got home and told me to get in her new vehicle. She wants everyone to ride it... I got in and she gave me the ride to work as she rambled on how the price of gas dropped 5 cents from yesterday. Dang! Gum money spent for the week...

I got in at work at about 11:47 AM. I immediately washed my hands and put band aids on all my cuts (yep! they had 4 band aids!). I checked the trays and whoa! Who's that guy? Is he THAT lazy? Some guy named Luis was alone, not really working. He was trying to make the girls in the front laugh. I got to making patties and nuggets until I realized... holy poop on a dead donkey, I haven't clocked in! I clocked in at about 12:12... ~_~ free 25 minute labor for McDonald's... I had gotten so caught up in catching up, that I wasn't ever moving to begin with...

Soon, a guy named Armando comes in and it becomes slightly easier. But then, the guy that comes in RIGHT at 2:44 PM ... three days in a row.
"Uh, can I have uh, let me see... 20 cheeseburgers, please? 2 of them without onions, 5 of them with bacon. Thanks."
Whoa, you guy! You got like three families to feed, huh?
Yep. Because it's customary for me to be behind, there was 19 patties... I made a few more, but at the same time, people ordered 5-select strips. There was only 4 left. So now I'm making patties, burgers, strips, and getting extra tomatos.
There's no tomatos left and all of a sudden, some lady asks for 5 tomatos on her plain hamburger. ~_~ *sighs*
And this Luis guy, the whole time, is moving up and down and hitting both, Armando and me, in the head with cheap slaps and remarks.
From panicking and working faster than I could, my right wrist touched the top of the grill... it burned and even now, a large band aid doesn't cover the burn.
I was too angry to calm down. I kept mumbling curses and must've looked like the guy from "The Diary of a Madman" (the book, anyway). I wanted to scratch my nose, piledrive Luis (so he can see that guys can be a real knockout, too), and finish up the orders.
After about 20 minutes, everything was stable. I took a break...
I ate as fast as I could. Small fries really filled me up. No digestive system, my body just clogs everything! *pokes belly and watches it wiggle*
At 4:45 PM, I started smiling and tapping on things, randomly shouting "Almost 5!!"
I kept working until 5:22 PM. ~_~ Two people, as I left, asked me which McDonald's I had transferred from. I said I was new to here and had finished my third day. They replied with some sort of hint that they were impressed, but with that hint, I knew they were just trying to spark some cheap conversation. I left in their mid-sentence.

I arrived home and showered my body off the grease...
Welp, I'm only worried about the freaking Catholics tomorrow. They're going to ask for Filet-O-Fish and Chicken everything... grr, just another round of me versus Catholics. It makes me laugh off my bad mood. They're cussing and hitting people, but sure enough, they'll eat fish and chicken. Had God been real, he wouldn't allow them to even go to purgatory for, oh wow, ordering fish instead of meat but cussing at people!

Other than McDonald's, I took thoughts into consideration and... I guesh everything has changed. Too quickly. I had been waiting for the transition to happen that fast, too. The "big deal", to me, is that ... am I ever going to be able to recollect the 'fun' I could have had as a teenager had there been the appropriate time, places, and people... o-or... is there REALLY some relief after graduation or is it just me that's the real problem? It'd be a problem of acceptance to so much... religion, lazy people, broken long-term promises, ignorance, disobedience, retaliation, government, music, humor, lyrics on blogs, people who throw trash on the floor because they think "the world's going to end anyway"... *stops*

Either way, it wasn't prevented and because it wasn't, it stays that way. But I'll stick to the hope because, welp, that's what I'd like for it to be and because I hope in the hope, direction to the thought to be predestined destination will be in place...
but if hope sets in amongst everyone else's lives but mine FOR NOW (and watch them complain, still), I'll hafta count sheep just to stay awake...
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(no subject) [Mar. 22nd, 2005|10:05 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Green Day - No Pride]

Dear Figure,

Life has been a bit more eventful!

* The relationship I'm in is stable once again. It's a good thing it's more of a friendly relationship because "kiss and make up" would've been yucky.
* I got a job at McDonald's! That was my forty-first application ever, so by now, every fast-food restaurant in this city has my Social Security Number. They can be me for a day! x_x But if ever someone claimed they were Miguel, the person would ask them "To verify, please give me the difference of your Social Security Number, using the hyphen as a subtraction sign" o_o

* On my first day of work, I slightly touched the grill. The result was a huge burn that gently swifts with my strides and the wind, much like a bowling ball wouldn't. On the second day, chicken nuggets fell on my arm. I feel the burn, but no marks are left. (This will make sense to me when I'm older ~_~)

* I've been talking with a new friend, Gracie. She's got a database-of-a-knowledge! She can tell you things like... those historical myths o-or in intricate detail, what it's like to be in almost situation... o-or, welp, she knows those things in books and masterpieces that go ignored - name of authors and poets! She shares some of those weird interests I didn't think people had. For example, the only rose she likes is black and well, I'm going to stop because it sounds like a promotional friend? =\

* Finally, I decided to sit down and read books dealing with math. I was great without the books, but people who are studying more than ten hours a week are catching up. The mam was like "Just imagine YOU reading more than ten hours a week... we'd find the errors in the answer key with your paper!"

* After what seemed like a year, I won double first place at the Nixon High School UIL meet! See, when times get hard, just divide backwards!

* I made three new enemies at school from the last entry. I'm acting on discrete pranks on them until they apologize. I open their backpacks in the halls as much as possible. I spit gum onto the location their next footstep will be. I throw tantrums, in hopes that they will catch it... that last line's a joke, but yep! Two senior class bullies with their chump sophomore brother, really.

* I feel like I'm being conceited this week. But why not, I mean, I'm better than everyone else... O_o nuh, uhm... welp...

* The last thing I'd say is that what Johanna commented really inspired me to live on and not take the bad times for granted. It erased my questioning of whether it'd be better to be stoopit or at least knowledgeable of much more than anticipated movies...
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(no subject) [Mar. 14th, 2005|10:35 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |Saves the Day - The Last Lie I Told]

Dear Figure,

This is what it feels like to be at 0 HP...

I'm not sure what I have left...
about 30 minutes ago, I was at a classmate's house... it was the second day we were working on a 5 minute play. In total, that's 8 hours... at the last 10 minutes, we were cleaning up.

I was cleaning up the balloons. I popped them and threw them into the trash.
"Pop them right, you d**k!" one girl screamed.
And the others joined in the assault.

That had been like the fourth time they do that in those two days... once again, I tried to ignore them...

"GET OUT OF MY F***ING HOUSE!" the classmate yelled.

This is what it feels like to be in the position where the boss is several enemies and you're just desperate to heal with ANYTHING, hoping to recover...

But eventually, they attack the final bits of courage left in any of 13 systems in the body. I really don't know how many more straws fit into this cup, but the last straw was a looooong time ago...

"THAT'S IT! You have attacked my self-esteem enough, you're just going to have to do it by yourself now BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO CRY HERE!!" I scream and run out the door, slamming it as I exit.

And so began the crying.
I ran closeby the railroad that was about 2 blocks east.
I looked at it with intentional eagerness. I couldn't believe how close I was to it.
Loosely, I let all of me collapse into a ball on the floor...
"Uh huh. Crying again, pretending this is another meaningful moment... at age 17 with no stable friendships.
Always alone.
Always at the mercy of other people, knowing your happiness is dependent on someone else...
Always talking to yourself, hoping no one is listening...
Always finding some way to justify that this situation is okay, but knowing that this is definitely not normal.

10 seconds later...
"FUCK YOU!!!!!!! EVERYONE WHO HAS ALWAYS IGNORED ME! THAT'S FOR YOU! ALL 6 BILLION OF YOU WITH NO EXCEPTIONS THIS TIME! I have ALWAYS set up the wobbly ladder of democracy to climb, just for somebody else to claim the glory at it was set for! AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN!? Pride that later leads way to regret!?
School says it'll get me to where I want - here I am, in the same place I never will return to!!!!
Democracy says if I try hard enough, I'll move up!!! AM I FLOATING IN MY MIND!? Is this a horrificly bad pun?!

I let my eyes blind out the moon from the bluriness of tears until I found it in myself to walk the rest of the way home... yep, alone...

And I guesh I ruined a new friend's day as well, so I deserve this very much. Why the heck should I be fine while she's crying...

Finding no motivation, I'll continue to keep going... yes, I ... will never... be ... *falls over*
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2005|12:05 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Copeland - Coffee]

Dear Figure,

I begin the day to an opening of my eyes. It is 5:56 AM... I kept my eyes closed until 6:27 AM, but I could not sleep again. I lifted myself off the bed in the manner a dead man rises from a casket in a vampiric movie. Feeling useless, I decided to lazily make some breakfast of eggs with a mix of ham. Then, I cut a biscuit into half, put a slice of cheese and sausage, and microwaved the thing. I ended up making 2 more before I decided not to eat anymore. To make the taste go away, I brushed my teeth immediately afterwards. Then, as soon as it was 6:55 AM, I sneaked out of the house and got on the bus at about 7:04 AM. I was frantic that I wouldn't make it to the test on time, but the only thing that I could do to avoid attention was to remain at ease.

When the bus arrived at the bus station, I took the Cedar-bound bus. The bus arrived near Nixon High School at about 7:44 AM. I got off and walked to where the Number Sense test would be.

I was the first dork doof there. Today was the day I had promised to myself that I'd stop losing on purpose for a false impression. I looked around and decided to write notes to refresh the advanced tricks. I wrote problems of geometric mean and the laws for the relationships between sin, cos, tan, csc, sec, and cot. I stopped when I was converting repeating decimals of ".53535353535353..." and ".5333333...." to fractions. After the doofs walked into the room, I erased the notes on the board and went to my seat in a strict, angry mood. I sat on the farthest seat to the back, but wondered if it'd be smarter to sit in the front. "My DORK cap would show more in the front or in the back...?" I thought to myself.

Sure enough, someone made like, a Seattle Riot out of it. "I LOVE YOUR CAP!!! Where'd you get it?" and so on until they get to the insults. Once they start the insults, I snap back at them, but their friends will join in and I can't really do much from there since the friends will act as "healers" to the indictee's self-esteem from my words. The test was distributed at 8:01 AM. The coach tried making humor out of directions, but no one laughed. I ended up asking the stoopit question "What if we finish all 80 problems before the 10 minute mark?" Some people laughed, but anyway... so began the mental math competition.

I did 33 problems. I didn't seem to have any brain blanks, and I felt confident in every answer I put.

My next task was to walk to Wal-Mart for the interview at the internal McDonald's. So began the 50 minute accelerated walk...

past long, deadbeat streets...
through aggressive-with-no-reason dogs...
surviving hot/cold weather (the heat of the sun hit me like the trumpet's highest note would to an ear, a-and the wind chills only exaggerated how cool this was)
Once I got to Wal-Mart, I went into the restroom to "wash up" because... well, the world's tasks would have to hold it, because I couldn't anymore!... geez. It was disgusting because the person in the stall next to me did the same thing... except he grunted as he pushed and kept screaming "GET OUT, YOU PIECE OF ****!!"... *skips details* I realized I had forgotten to take a shower by now, too.

I walked into the McDonald's restaurant and told the employee that I was asked to come for an interview. In disbelief, the employee calls the main manager. Anyone can tell it's the mera mera because she was wearing the only blue button-up shirt.
Very oddly and uncorresponding to whatever I could have predicted, the lady looks the most like my best friend's Pre-Calculus teacher, but I didn't let it affect my sraight, strict mood.
The lady asked if I knew who was going to interview me.
I tried to circumvent the question with "Well, I was told to come for one today..."
Eventually, she told me, in a very much nicer way, to go be a dork somewhere else and come back later.

The obedient, fear-of-consequence mind of mine went off to explore known territory in Wal-Mart.
Today was the most boring visit to Wal-Mart. The halls were empty. Security guard was visible (not just out of weight).
I looked through posters.
I memorized price tags...
I read off of "SPARKNOTES for Pre-Calculus!"...
I played Super Mario 64 DS at the electronics department and scratched my head at why the biggest brains spend their time ... making the best video games known to man...!...
And I counted the tiles horizontally and vertically in Wal-Mart to come out with the assumptions that there is approximate to 111,000 tiles in the building ... perhaps less, but it's my estimation since there are cut-off tiles extra-pieced tiles...
At about 10:00 AM, after no longer being able to walk out of being tired, I went up to the same Wal-Mart manager to ask if I can just fill out another application. She "agreeded". I filled out the application and she told me "Ven en un minuto". I sat next to the counters for about 17 minutes in patience. Finally, she sat on the seat in front of me and looked at my application. She told me everything I would need to do to get the job and never asked a question. In about 12 minutes, she was done dictating rambling. I got up and shook her hand. She then said "I'm glad we have the same birthday" and left. As soon as she turned around, I took out my hand sanitizer bottle and dropped 6 drops of it onto my hand. I left Wal-Mart.

Back to Nixon!! I walked for at least an hour to get back there... I thought of so many things on the way, it... actually is funny! =D Like, like, you HAFTA read my thoughts! And here they are!

(in chemistry) DUDE: "Hey dude, lend me the notes from yesterday"
BAND NERD: "For which song?"

"Band, let's all act like CYMBALized people."

What do you get when you play country music backward? You get your house back, your truck back and your wife back!

Eventually, I got to the Nixon High School... it was about 11:21 when I sat down and felt like taking a shower. I was sweating more than I usually cry. I stood up reluctantly and went to the farthest restroom I could find.

Inside, I... *fast forward*... that broke the previous record 1 minute and 1 seconds from when I watched Austin Powers Part 2 at the theatres with constantly slurping large coke bottle.

I realized I had about 2 hours left. And oops! I let the thoughts sink in.

Everything turned into nothing in my head, and every self-loathing song I can remember blasted off in my head and tuned out the world.
I was too dehydrated to cry or sumfin', but when I snapped out of the thoughts, it was at least 12:00 PM. I went inside a-and saw that the math coach had arrived. And so had the pizzas the school gives to its competitors for participating in any UIL academic event. I got 2 slices out of the 4 every student is allowed to get. The mam handed every math student a calculator and a test to practice with... I timed myself and at about 12:21, someone took a picture of me.
My mind was furious enough... I dunno why that set me off, really.
But knowing the reason didn't change my now-past... I slammed the pencil and went off walking.
I didn't have a direction. I just kept walking... and after 13 minutes, landed on Saunder's McDonald's. I bought a double cheeseburger and left... I think I saw someone I knew, but because I don't have the reason or confidence to talk to anyone, I decided to just leave it at a glance...

Along the way back to the school, I purposely went offtrack and followed the trail my dreams came out in. There was a nice spot to shout as loud and as long as I wanted.
So, I decided to do so.

After I had enough of letting lose energy I didn't have left, I walked back the remaining 11 minutes to Nixon High School.

I took the mathematics test and took about an hour and a half to walk home. No one would be home because everyone but me left to Austin.
For the rest of the day, wanted to call someone... but knew I couldn't in this boring, sad mood...


First place Number Sense!
Pending results in Mathematics test.
A 5~6 hour walk.
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(no subject) [Feb. 26th, 2005|11:30 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Yellowcard - Fireater]

Dear Figure,

It's really lonely here. I can't cry it away. I don't like people who start their sentences in "I". Those people talk about themselves and, when done, let you talk... something like "So, what do you think of my grades?"

I'm gradually losing hope in the relationship I'm in. In fact, I don't think I'm going to do anything for the third monthiversary to see if she speaks up.
It must be so fun not to have me around

This is the only place I complain. It seems to be my sanctuary now. I can hide all the teenage angst I'll regret later here.

I really wish my mind would stop thinking about ugly people and ugly songs and disgusting wall marks... for some reason, it remembers all the unpleasing views and burns on my mind. I try to push it away with ANYTHING else, and it only brings it up more...
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(no subject) [Feb. 23rd, 2005|11:37 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |scaredscared]
[music |The Juliana Theory - Duane Joseph]

Dear Figure,

I started off the day right by eating nutritious cereal, washing dishes, and mopping the floor off the restroom I use. My brother leaves the curtain open as he showers and sings loudly. ~_~ He has autism, so his communication skills are not high enough to select the option in his mind to not to sing. Geez. When I asked, my mom said it was just his way of escaping. I really wish it worked like that. =\ Him just escape...

But anyway. I walked to school and purposely tripped on a rock. I lay there on the floor and tried to finish up last night's tears. I'm thankful no one ever passes by that shortcut I take. I dun know who I thank, but I am thankful somehow...

I got to school at about 8:02 AM and went into the cafeteria. With a yawn, I took out the homework I didn't do and started to work on it. Being unproductive, I put it away and waited time. Eventually, Frances showed up and waved very weakly. "Uh oh", I thought. She led the trail onto our usual morning bench. Neither of us sat down because it was wet. I giggled at her handprint on the bench, and she showed some disappointment in her face. I questioned it twice and decided to give up on the "Don't worry! It's nothing, I'm just tired". That's best friends, right? Pfffft. I decided to talk like a friend would... it was hard to get my mind off of what was bothering her. We talked about the puddle that's always on the floor. I mentioned up my dream of a huge, green frog chasing me. She laughed and asked if I had been watching TV... but eventually, we returned to the gloomy state of silence. There's nice silence, peaceful silence, and all kinds of silence. This one was the mysterious sadness that both of us shared. The fog only added to the unwanted, dispirited mood. The bell rings soon in this, and I decide to arrange the two questions in my mind to fulfill its goal with "Whatever is bothering you is bothering me. I'm tired too, but your face shows a weakness being tired doesn't give. Are you sad or angry?... and somehow, I just... know.. is it me?" My mind congratulated and scolded me at the same time, but she denied it a bit until she let it all out. She believed there was no trust in between us anymore ever since we "were going around", which, by the way, had no difference since before I asked her. We don't hold hands, give light kisses, or even go anywhere due to restrictions. We just talk, and, according to her, we can't talk about anything anymore - something always had to be hidden. She hugged me before we left to class and whispered for me not to worry.
She really only hugs at special moments... our second monthiversary or the day both of us are homework-free and celebrate with weighing our empty backpacks out and are examples..

During first block, the mam reviewed a test and a few problems on using the quadratic formula. I made a quick program on the TI-83 and just pressed three buttons per problem. I took 1 minute and 22 seconds to finish up 19 problems. The class took about 18 minutes. =D I got to work on some of my US History homework, but dropped my pencil too often to do more than 2 problems.

During second block, Jeanette was, as usual, laughing at almost anything I said. It was halfway funny when she said "Oh god, you're funnier when you're sad!" She's not airheaded. I think she's just never heard things like "Oh geez, if you keep laughing like that, you'll like, pop a lung or sumfin'" a-and "What do you think Yankee Doodle did when he got to town, anyway?" I dunno... =\ I can't think of the really good ones. I know that she broke the record on holding the longest laughs. She usually updates her Xanga next to me, and as most bloggers, she put up a survey... and the question was "do you sleep with a teddy bear?" She read the question out loud and I said, "OH REALLY!??! ME TOO!!" just as she was typing "No". Later in the same day, I mumbled to myself "Crazy people are... so... crazy..." and she turned to me and said "Huh? You?" until she realized what she had said and laughed until I worried if there was anything left of her that wasn't red. But anyway. That's just to introduce her to this LJ because she'll probably spring up more often.

During Lunch, I followed Lynda and Frances. They both seem to be the 'real' best friends with each other. I stood away as they talked of the usual memories of Lamar. They laughed loudly and just mentioning someone up. "Oh, he reminds me of Bobby so much! He just like... talks like him, acts stupid... gosh, right?" and so on. I sat on the table and pondered if I would have any fun if I spent lunch with any of my online friends. I thought of the only 3 I really do have some sort of communication with anymore. I sighed it off, realizing that it's silly to think that. But I feel so left out... David Alcacio came in and joined in the laughter, talking of how everyone skips around lunches. I excused myself almost abruptly and left. I went to my Writer's Bench and began writing a letter to Jojo. It was almost like a year ago. I'd write the letter out and then type it up when I get home. But I stopped and trashed the letter. Eventually, I walked to go back to the group at Lunch. They had been walking to where I was. Frances excused herself from the group and talked to me of what she had brought up in Lunch. I decided to spill everything on her in five sentences. She said nothing about them but mentioned that "she'd always be there". I didn't have the energy to argue it back, so I blinked one eye harder than the other and nodded. We walked to class just repeating that.

In third block, the mam rambled on about Pearl Harbor and the battles in the Pacific during World War II. Many people fall asleep in that class. I dunno why, but I always end up wondering if I'll be drafted when I finally do start to have some "good times", but t'watever. The bell rang and I shouted "Let freedom ring!" as I left the class.

Frances and I walked slowly to our classes that were really just a 20 second walk. Somehow, we managed to end up getting there just when the bell rang (5 minute passing period). I asked "Do you need that jacket?" She smiled, lent it to me, and waved sweetly.

During fourth block, I wrapped the jacket around me without trying to get it filled with the chunks of sweat that usually end up on the inner sleeves when a person wears a jacket in a hot environment. The sir made us read a short story about a little boy that goes up to a little girl with a crooked back. The little girl sprouts wings from underneath her shirt and says that she's the little boy's angel before she returns to heaven. After we were done reading, we were to go up to the sir. He handshook each person and gave the person an angel pin labeled "Guardian Angel". He dictated a story of when he met his "guardian angel". We then read half of a play named "Con Safos" based on the real-life story in this city in 1966. @_@ Crazy. Everyone was laughing and got really into the reading. I was too into the jacket's smell to listen to what the character Doña T'watever was screaming about.

After fourth block, Frances and I had 15 minutes before she went into one of her extra classes she's taking. She takes 2 extra classes. One of them is on-campus on Monday and Wednesday. The other one is at a local university on Thursday and Friday, I believe. She talked of a memory from her childhood (the usual o_o) of when she first was in Lamar. She talked about how she would run into the Band Hall, proclaim "Band sucks!" with her friends, and walk back into the Orchestra room. Time was up and she fidgeted over giving me a note she wrote for me. It wasn't the musical type-of note. O_o It was one of those "read when I'm not around" ones. After giving and taking the folded paper away several times, it ended up in my hands. She walked into the classroom and waved bye.

I went to Band and practiced. I looked around and realized the piccolo was restored to its original player; it had been taking away since the piccolo player did not show up to many of the rehearsals. Mr. Gil ran through every song twice and let us go home.

I got home and worked more on some AP US History work, but couldn't get it all done. I picked up some trash cans (some were empty) and washed the remaining dishes that my mom didn't get. I end up here now...

This didn't really have its place anywhere, but if you're reading this, I really miss you, Johanna. T_T Hope you don't have one of those planners that are always full!
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(no subject) [Feb. 6th, 2005|06:38 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |annoyedannoyed]
[music |Straylight Run - Another Word for Desperate]

Dear Figure,

Well, that's exactly what I did. I snapped at the next person that promoted Christianity or put me down. It was my fourth block teacher, the teacher who talks about being scrupulous and having set morals, but follows almost none himself. He makes fun of people if they ask what he considers a "stupid question", yet he has a poster that says "There are no stupid questions; just stupid answers" in his room.

I accidentally fell asleep in his class (I have been sleeping at 1:30 AM and 2:00 AM during schooldays; not out of having fun). He took a picture. I took notice of it because I still had some consciousness and fairly cognizant of everyone and their actions. I woke up with a blast of invisible energy and captured the moment's occurrings. Everyone was taking a quiz. I looked down at it and saw a Scantron with a "Fill in the Blank" test. Huh? Scantron only has letter choices...

"Sir, how are we supposed to transfer Fill in the Blanks to the Scantron?" a kid in my class asks.
"Easy. Just do it!", the teacher said, amusing himself lively.
"Seriously sir?" a girl in my class added.
"Sure! It's easier when you're short; you're that close to the paper." the teacher teased.
The girl scoffed and looked down.

I saw that I knew most of the answers. But to transfer them?

"Sir, how come you're wearing a sweater?" the same girl asks, on impulse, to the teacher.
"OH! The weather's different between here and there." the teacher jokes, and most of the class laughs.

In my mind, I was a riot. THIS is funny!? After a long while of considering and reviewing the situation, I felt the tension rise up. It's time for rebellion, I thought to myself. Orale, pendejo... the encouraging voice continued.

"How do you get away with giving out these kind of tests? So many errors and incorrect standards... look, the first three questions have no question marks..." and I went on to argue about how it was fill-in-the-blank with a Scantron.

"Well, you shouldn't have slept through it if you didn't know the answers. Two, I always get away with it. Three, you picked the wrong time, and fourth, you should, again, stay awake when I'm reviewing." he responds in a serious voice.

This was somewhat of a beating. He continued on to repeat himself over and over to further beat me down and make me feel as if I was insolent for defending the class. I then argued against how he uses sarcasm in class against students who ask questions and how it feels like he's promoting Christianity.

And if I knew better, I wouldn't have done that. I was arguing against a firm believer of Christianity that kept record of my grades.

Yeah, he did a good job... I felt my eyes become watery and I didn't want to move. It's when you want to cry that you feel like if you move, your eyes will collapse and a countenance waterfall will begin...

but the tears burned my cheeks anyway. I was shivering when it wasn't even cold. In a very whiny voice, I told the teacher "JUST SHUT THE **** UP! Get away from me! Leave me alone, for sh** on a dead donkey!". I hid underneath my desk, curled into a ball, and cried. I didn't hear any voice or feel anything for the next 10 minutes underneath. My breathing was hard against my baggy pants. The tears fell with an law-exceeding velocity...

I heard the bell ring and I finally could control my body. Slowly, it was shivering less and less. My nose area was filled with mucus that had rubbed off on my pants. I even questioned life in those 10 minutes of what I would consider the closest to solace I'll ever be.

You ask for sympathy and you get some justified, half-hearted answer. He realizes I am listening and goes on to say that it was a public challenge. " You challenge me in my class, I will meet up the challenge. Don't you dare make up excuses like that if you sleep in class. Oh! And don't argue against sarcasm and laugh at it. It's hypocritical, wouldn't you agree?"
I walked out as he continued. I ran to a part of the school with the least people and finished crying.
It was after school now. I'd run to Frances at this, but she wasn't around. Nope. Even if she says it, she never will be there when I need her the most, I realized.
It took about 10 minutes to get up. I walked with the same tall posture as usual.
But I had to walk home. I couldn't do anything to get the burning in my chest to leave.

So that was Friday's event. Lesson learned: never rebel, especially if you don't have immediate friends.

Saturday's event was a Solo and Ensemble event. I go to play a solo and a judge tells me how good/bad I am at the song I am selected to play with an accompany piano on a CD.
You could play it memorized or you can take music with you. It's more of an achievement to play it memorized, so I decided to go in there like that.
I get in there at about 11:20 AM and played the solo I practiced a total of 68 hours. After the solo was done, I put my trombone down and realized - I was not at all with the accompany CD. It kept going for about 20 seconds and stopped.
As formal and nicely as he could, the judge told me that the accompany CD and I had a lousy connection. I practiced the solo too much by myself and not at all with the accompany. I thanked him for the critique and went off to go be a loser somewhere else.
I hung out with Amy for the remainder of the time. We talked most of the time, but she also helped me look for Frances's old best friend, John Perez. He went to middle school with her and he was the one that spent every morning with her. They walked around just like her and I do now. He was the only one she ever told her sixth grade secrets to, so I wanted to ask him about it. With all the hints I've ever heard from her, I feel like I've figured it out, but this would be a confirmation. I need this. She will never tell me. This is definitely where her mom and step-dad must've lost trust in her. This is why we can't have a first date unless we wait until she's 18. This is why when her parents found out, she wasn't allowed to even log on to MSN to obtain a homework assignment file from a friend.
As much as we looked, John was nowhere to be seen.
Amy offered a ride and with much reluctance, I agreed. I didn't want to say "No"... I would give myself time to think before I got home and perhaps collapse in just the fear of tears again.
I forgot to tell my Band director I was leaving. ~_~
But we left... and heh, I had always daydreamed of what it'd be like to go shopping with someone who isn't in your family. @_@ It was like a 3 minute thing, but after her mom picked us up from the event, the mom asked Amy to buy a gallon of whole milk. We ended up getting a half-gallon because we forgot what she said. They had this express lane "scan the item yourself" typa thing... o_o so aweshum, too. Amy pressed the buttons on the screen and I put in the money and scanned the items.
I got home later a-and got to work on reading the punishment the teacher gave me. He said that instead of a referral, he'd prefer to give a harsher punishment; a 151 page reading assignment with questions attached and an imperative 4 page essay on the topic of the book. It was more like a summary, but character analyzation required...
...so I'm here now. Everything else in the week would've been a decoration. Like uh... stupid puns I came up with an' all.

"I don't have time for a time management class!"
Interesting Statistics:
Only 30% of us can flare our noses.
21% of us don't make our beds. 5% of us never do.
85% of women use the wrong bra size.
29% admit they've intentionally stole an item from a store.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder.
When nobody is around, 47% drink staight from the carton.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Only 13% of us brush our teeth from side to side.
Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair.
53% of women do not leave the house without make up on.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet.
23.5% admit they don't flush.
44.9% pee in the ocean when under the circumstance.
71.6% of us eavesdrop when under the circumstance.
28% of us have skinny dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
1 out of 5 men proposed on their knees.
6% propose over the phone.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
The average North American will eat 35,000 cookies in their lifetime.
Montpelier, Vermont is the only state capital without a McDonald's.
Most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The most popular ice cream flavor is vanilla.
The average fifty-year old would have spent 5 years waiting in line
The avereage fifty-year old would have spent 1 year looking for lost items.
A golf ball has 360 dimples.
Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
Money isn't made from paper. Oddly, it's made out of cotton.
Hot water is heavier than cold.
Only 6 people in the world have died from moshing.
75% of us wash from top to bottom in the shower.
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(no subject) [Jan. 28th, 2005|11:33 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |draineddrained]
[music |Green Day - Uptight]

Dear Figure,

My forehead hurts from frowning.
Sleep deprived. I don't know where else to complain anymore.
I'm tempted to hit the next religious person that tries to convert a small kid that has never heard of religion into Catholicism or Christianity or however specific they want to be.
Mind the violence, but I'm tempted to snap the neck off the next person who decides to be funny by mockery or by cheap-witted sarcasm. Perhaps I would bury them in 40 feet holes, too. Besides, I bet that deep down, they're really good people!
I would exterminate every bully off this planet, but there aren't enough galaxies to do that.

Personally, I am sick of listening to her complain about her chores. Then, she takes her position's advantage and says "Trust me, you have no idea how hard this is... but I'll manage." Or how she's starting to use the "If you ever did, I'd break up with you!" line because, to me, that wasn't funny the first time I read it on a web site and think it's only harsh because it lets the other person know that you have thought of it. ¿Cuantas de estas tienes en este pinche mundo?

I am ready to serve ice cream to everyone who speaks of philosophy incorrectly. Then, I'd force them to slurp it as fast as they can. What do they have to worry about! They can't get brain freezes.
~_~ You needsta hear some of these lines that actually pass during swift, normal conversation and NO ONE has some interjection to it:
EXAMPLE 1: God dang, yo, one of my girlfriends is cheating on me...
EXAMPLE 2: So I downloaded this freeware, right? And it was cool because I didn't even have to pay for it...
EXAMPLE 3: But next time you go to confession, make sure you tell every sin. You're going to hell if you don't!!!!!!!
EXAMPLE 4: Why don't you believe in God? You're stupid. You lost faith, that's why. You're going to hell!!
EXAMPLE 5: Nah, don't worry guy, girls know that you only care about her looks anyway.
EXAMPLE 6: I wish someone would teach me how to wash clothes.*flash forward* I don't wear any of those clothes, why should I have to wash them?

I am usually not this violent, but the kids with religion were the only direct ones. The rest were eavesdropped... but they kept on with telling me about Santa Claus. I said I believed in him. The 3 Stooges laughed. I faked a laugh and said "Ha ha ha, you still believe in God?" and cracked up by myself.

And then I get home to this spoiled family system. I do the meal, wash the dishes from breakfast, and as I finish, the dinner plates get to the sink and I get to wash them. I wash them and then pick up the trash. I shower and then get to homework in hopes that she'll call.
I stay there and update my journal and a daily log of our relationship I plan to give her on our sixth monthiversary (5 months from now).
And I rarely believe in phones ringing now. If it does, I give it to my little sister before I even answer it, saying "It's for you". My little sister runs to the living room to put the phone back 40 minutes later...
I guess the two 70's in progress reports got me, too. I was sure I turned in every assignment on time, but the teacher somehow "mixed up a few papers" and lost mine.

The only real good news is that I'm learning to program on TI-83 Plus calculators. It's, very sadly, my only escape right now. I dun want to lift off the headphones ...
and to be honest, I never thought I'd envy an earthworm as I sigh and decide that if I don't sleep now, I'll be too sleepy to work on the Band Hall tomorrow.

And Happy belated Birthday to Johanna.
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(no subject) [Jan. 6th, 2005|10:08 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |Over It - A Sight for Sore Eyes]

Dear Figure,

I wake up late again! *doesn't have the energy to pretend to be surprised* It was about 7:26 AM. Rush (half) hour. I did all my morning shtuff and was out of the house at 8:01 AM.

Along the way to school, there was a dead cat inside a box. Foreshadowing to today?

I got to school and sat on the table I usually sit at to wait for Frances. Lynda and Nydia, the people who sit nearby, were talking about schedule changes. How I wish I could complain to someone like that! Everything they said was repetition of what the other would say. At 8:23 AM, Frances got there and sat down. She greeted everyone and then asked if I wanted to go outside. I didn't even nod. She got up and started the lead, so I followed her.

The conversation started off with short laughs until the people standing near the door to go outside were looking at me. Any feeling of socializing vanished completely and converted into fear. I feared they'd say something mean and embarassing to what I said or was doing. Frances would overhear and if she laughed, I'd have a hard time smiling for the rest of the day. Gladly, the men against the wall had awkward silence as we passed by.

We sat on our bench (that she gets to pick) and she started talking about why she wasn't having a good hair day and how she had a nightmare. She started off with "The past is out to haunt me with that nightmare...", and at that point, I didn't know how to suppress my laugh. Your past was well-enjoyed... She handed me a letter written in some kind of code after she finished describing it. I told her that a letter of hers had arrived in my mailbox and that she should do something about it. I gave her my letter I had written for her. She told me to look at hers because she needed to explain the encoding. I told her that I would figure it out. Silence rose between us as I tried to figure it out. In about 15 seconds, I raised my head and said "Nothing hard about it... every text letter is just one alphabet character ahead". She smiled and went on about how many people use it in school and still, not even teachers could figure it out when they picked up notes in class. As she talked about it, the bell rang and she asked "Do you want to go around?", as in, take the long way to class. In my mind, I thought "Heh, you just asked me out", but I didn't say anything. We got to her class, waved out greatbyes, left to class.

In first block, we did domain and range and some other easy shtuff that had me bored and the class entertained. Heh, I smiled my third smile of the week at 10:00 AM. =D

In second block, we had to read text off of an online web site and answer questions on a sheet of paper. Everyone huddled into groups. In my mind, I could see how lonely I must've looked like being the only doof in the first row...

and now, this semester, I have lunch with Frances. But not entirely. Her and her group of friends. They have those teasing arguments all the time. "You're putting the blame on ME? No, no! It was YOUR fault!" and so forth... I just stood behind the group as I wished I was sitting alone. This feeling grew larger by the nanosecond, especially when someone in the group would say something to the other group member privately. Soon, the talker would stop when the message is near its point. The talker would then say sumfin' like "...well, I can't say that here, though, but remind me later. When you call me, I'll tell you. Okay?"
It got to me. I told the group I'd be right back because I was going to the restroom. I go into the restroom, "empty the tank", and go back to the cafeteria. My seat in front of Frances had been taken by a guy named Pumer. He sat there talking to Frances, so I moved over to the end of the group's table. I sat there and about 5 minutes later, Pumer had to leave. She sits in the seat across of me and says "What's wrong?" She asked if I wanted to go on our "usual Lunch walks", but I reminded her that the bell would ring in 4 seconds. "Oh geez! I spent too much time eating, hehe!" she says, and we walk together to her class. We wave our badbyes and leave.

I went into third block and sat down almost teary-eyed. You're having a great time without me, huh!, I thought, as I evaluated on how shtupid it was to ask a question with an exclamation mark. "And I can't tell her anything about it all. I can't tell her that I hate how she doesn't call o-or doesn't reply to e-mails... o-or hums 'I know something you don't know' and never really had anything in store for surprise... because she'd discuss it with her friends and that'll be the end of it. It's happened before...", I think to myself. Class started, and the mam rambled on about The Great Depression. The bell rang, and she still had "just a bit more to say".

Frances and I only smiled at each other in the hallway. In fourth block, the teacher read a short story and we had to write our own "Story Map" that includes a description of the Setting, Characters, Plot, Theme, and Literary Elements.

Afterschool, Band Dictator Director Gil called all the band officers and threw all his worries onto us. He wanted to enlist recruit more band members by doing a "fun" overnight lock-in at a saloon pizza place with middle schoolers. He also wanted to set a tax fundraiser to gather money for an end-of-the-year trip, banquet, and some other shtuff.

During practice, the military band... well... practiced!

I shivered all the way home. My mind didn't aid much. I sped onto the house I sometimes barge into. It's not bought yet. It's been there for at least 2 years, and I only go in there to cry when I really need to. I used my ID card (universal key, by the way), threw my backpack onto the floor there, and lay my body on the ground. I stared at the ceiling, and washed as it blurred away with tears. My mind repeated every unanswered question it has had since sixth grade. I got up and left about 10 minutes later.

I got home and uh, cooked food for myself which ended up being given to someone else because they hadn't eaten, either. I made the same thing again and sat down, eating while staring at the wall. I took a shower, washed the dishes, picked up the trash, and ta-da! It's 9:30 PM! I wrote and proofwrote this offline journal entry and it's 10:45 PM. o_o I think I'll put it on LJ.
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Wrong Way [Jan. 4th, 2005|07:48 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |crushedcrushed]
[music |Over It - Wrong Way]

Dear Figure,

Most everyone made New Year's Resolutions about self-improvement and a need to change. Since change is inevitable, I don't understand why there has to be a resolution for it. Self-improvement, when analyzed, is actually the improvement of to how much you do to benefit others.

My New Year's Resolution was just to find the (person/people) that I keep daydreaming in my thoughts of how dorky fun would be in high school. Watching all kinds of rented movies, staying up late playing video games but really just in it to stay up late and talk about things only discussed at night, re-alphabatizing the CD's in the electronic department, skipping school when one of the members is in the hospital to leave their favorite candies inside stuffed, huggable, live-sized teddy bears, helping one another create posters for the run for president or treasurer of the student council...
helping out to find a lost, clear contact lens inside a jar of jellybeans.
Planning a surprise party for each birthday for each friend in the friends' group.
Learning a new language to discuss things in private.
Being there at each of our most embarassing moments.
Daring each other to do the craziest ideas at amusement parks.
Making home videos of how we act after a coke-drinking contest.

This is my last full year of high school. After this, it's only a semester and I leave. I don't carry many memories with me besides being by myself.
Being caught by the police at 11:00 PM and being excused because I had some dramatic story.
Running so much and being too tired to walk home, but I get there anyway.
Walking back and forth from high school. Running back home when I forgot my marching shoes...

It makes me cry too much. I never got my chance... I've never seen or heard someone who thinks like it, so I might just give it up and have it as a hidden hope. Frances is the only chance, but she ... rarely calls, rarely responds to e-mails ... okay. I'm okay now.

I just know I was supposed to have fun all these years and I all I remember is being withdrawn due to misinterpretations.
I'm not serious at all. To me, I think sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but that's accepted as being funny...
I'm not angry at all. I adore the possibilities given in each day...

No point in justifying myself. I'll let everyone accept me as they are.

But anyway! School starts tomorrow, and I'll try to post as many days as I can. =) I'll read just as many, too! Bye for now. *disappears*
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(no subject) [Dec. 25th, 2004|12:43 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |angryangry]
[music |Straylight Run - The Tension and the Terror]

Dear Figure,

Christmas Eve and Christmas really ticked me off. I have nothing to say about them so in the future, I don't remember them.
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(no subject) [Dec. 21st, 2004|01:04 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |Dashboard Confessional - The Only Gift That I Need]

Dear Figure,

I started the day by waking up to the tapping of knuckles onto a window, saying "We're starting already". I skip breakfast and put on my gloves and get outside.

Almost as if it were their cue, they point to the ladder and ask me to go up at the sight of me. I was still rubbing my eyes, and here I was, being almost challenged to face one of my fears. I go up the ladder with no thrill and some fear. I jump on the roof and feel the world implode.

I'm barely waking up. Why am I doing this? Why can't I be disobedient and ask if I can have some breakfast?

I am given a bucket of paint and a paintbrush and told to "move to the right and paint what's underneath the roof's edge".

It took much swallowing fear to keep going. I thought of the many people that I've seen on the roof and how they've never fallen. If they haven't fallen, neither can I.

In my mind, I morphed myself into Death Knight. I'm a Death Knight. My defense is a great offense, so here I go!

I painted aimlessly at what I thought I was supposed to paint, and my thoughts were going on the right pace. I painted and could feel my right leg stumble across the roof and into thin air, then pushing my weight to the ground. I would never be able to yield to gravity...

but there I was, painting, and feeling the air colder than my personality. There were many gusts, but I only shivered them off.

The day continued, painting from the top and wishing I could eat. My sister went up eventually to "enjoy the view while she could" and held the bucket. It's the dumbest excuse I had ever heard in this 3-day punishment of yard work and painting the house. She laughed about how I could fall if she pushed or sneezed so hard, I would move... and whatever cheap jokes she could conjure as my oldest brother joined in.

Eventually, I called Frances and asked if she was serious about coming over. I started tempting her by saying things like "I have emo music on and only you and I know the lyrics to these songs... I hate singing alone... we can change the lyrics around to accomodate the situation! x_x" a-and "We're going to have extra paint at the end for the throwing! +_+ I don't know how I said emoticons in my diaolgue, but I kept going with even dorkier reasons that sound funnier with the whiny voice. Eventually, I hung up and went back on the ladder, wondering if it was enough to convince her.

She never came, but that's because she has parents that are so ignorant, they ignore the voices in their heads. ~_~ I'm sorry (somewhat), but for them, 2+2 is like... 15. It's hard for them to understand someone else's matters.

I painted until about 4:00 PM. I was so dizzy back then and had the priviledge of landing on the ground.

At about 5:00 PM, I ate lunch. Food tastes so good after a hard day's work. All paint had been splattered onto the house perfectly. My oldest brother was halfway serious about giving me 80 dollars for all the work I did in the 3 days.

I didn't care. I just wanted my free time and strength in my body back.

I talked to Frances at about 7:00 PM. We talked of our problems, really, which was pretty dumb because we finally get to talk to each other... just to mention troubles. We exchanged burdens and ended up whining over one another's dilemmas. Eventually, I thought of the idea of walking to her house. She laughed and said "You wouldn't." I hung up, took the letter I had written for her the night before, and walked over to her house.

Along the way, I stopped by the nearby corner store to buy her favorite cookies a-and her favorite type of chocolate (but not candy) - white chococlate Reese's... bars? I stuffed the edible items and her note into a Wal-Mart bag.

The 30-minute route to her house is as dangerous as a school teacher with a grin. The road I usually go through has passive horses on one side of a fence, but across the road, there must be like zebras and mobile cactus or sumfin' because you could hear noises without animals. Like "EEEE EEEE *stop* EEEE!!!" I walked with my trustee 2x4 (A 2x4 is actually a 1.5 x 3.5, in case you're easily amused) and sped my way to her house. I could see the buildings before the neighborhood in a distance, and I could hear the animals getting louder.
The building became clearly in sight!
I can't cover the buildings with a finger anymore!
YES! I'm there!

I call her house and she says "Oh my goodness, you actually came? Hold on, I'll be at the park in 5 minutes."
What makes me laugh is that it isn't a park. It's a square area with pebbles and rocks,a slide, two monkey bars, and a rocking, $.25 horse. Soon enough, I see her in the distance and she laughed until she got within 10 feet of me.

She complimented me on my bad odor and horrible "make up attempts". I reminded her it was paint and she laughed, saying I'm too stiff. She poked me in the stomach. I told her I got her a Wal-Mart bag. Before even handing it to her, she said "Thank you", so I took it back and made her be patient with the thanking.
We continued talking of the darkness the park seems to have in the night and of the possibilities of walking to and from her house and my house. After her alloted 10 minutes were up, she told me to walk her home, using a childish, innocent smile as persuasion. I looked away and wished she hadn't done that.

We walked the distance. She spoke, over the barks of the dogs, about how her mom might find out she snuck out because Frances still had the remote control in her pocket. I pressed buttons on it when she took it out, wondering if it was changing the TV experience at her house. We said our great byes and waved as we walked backwards to our destinations. She almost hit a pole, too! x_x

I walked back home with the 2x4. A man passed and said "Please don't hit me, I'm only jogging". I jumped up in fear, and got the start of running too. I made sure he didn't mind and I jogged behind the guy. It was fun(ny).

I got home and my family was looking at me oddly and saying "How many more letters, eh heh heh!" and unfunny comments about the walk. I decided, and acted upon the decision, to sit down and stare at the wall.
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(no subject) [Dec. 15th, 2004|01:46 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |energeticenergetic]
[music |Saosin - Mookie's Last Christmas]

How do you stop Miguel?
HAH! Trick question!

Whoooo I'm done with all midterm reviews! 6 hours on a group project that was given twice! Each with lousy group members! 8 hours of finishing up midterm reviews handwritten! 26 hours of community service in the same week! 3 hours of inputted Band officer work!

*laughs loudly for no reason*

Now THAT was awesome! *goes to sleep like he has nothing to do... because, well, he doesn't!*

This is too exciting to leave on offline journal. ^_____________________________________________*smile break from stretch mark*____________^

Now, to wrap gifts up (I'm not a good rapper o_O) and write a Christmas card for each day of Christmas. (Today's the second, in case you want to try out that creative project)
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(no subject) [Dec. 9th, 2004|10:27 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Green Day - Scattered]

Dear Figure,

My entry erased times three. (don't use a calculator for that one)

At 7:10 AM, I woke up and looked around. Instead of waking up on the bed... or heck, even the wrong side of the bed!... I woke up on the floor. This is a big deal because I sleep on the top bunk... I, somehow, fit through the space about this big...

I forcefed myself the tacos and took a shower. After the morning routines were done, it was 7:38 AM. For a dork, that means extra reading time. I dug my head into a book about Kenya's hunger. I wanted to discover what it is to be in a real problem. Through text, I know, is somewhat of a vicarious experience. It was very deep, though... even more so than 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. =P

I walked to school. Along the way, a dog about twice the size of my backpack... okay, not that huge, but it was a big dog... appeared in my field of vision. It was as ferocious as a classmate, except it didn't ask for money. It showed its teeth at me, but it didn't attack. It didn't bark, either, which made me worry. If I was superstitious, I'd be in trouble. I knocked on a wooden door and kept walking, hoping no one would answer it.

I got to school at 8:11 AM and I had my head down. I felt 'emo' today - I brought my grey hoody! I looked up and there was Frances. She was smiling and waving even before I looked up. x_x I asked if we should keep walking to the cafeteria and meet there because that's where we usually wait for each other, but she shook her head and pointed outside. We took a walk and had a one-sided conversation. Her cell phone seems to be "ringing off the hook". That one was halfway funny. The rest was about family problems and the stress she was having this week. We walked into school when the bell rang and we waved each other "bye for now".

During first block, Ms. Mam gave the class a review for the midterm exam. It was titled " AP USHI STORY". It made me giggle, especially since it was unintentional. The paper was outlined.
1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Benjamin Franklin
3. Bill of Rights.
4. Common Sense
And so on. What was funny, though, was that she assigned each person in the class 5 terms out of a list with about 85. She would call out "Who got Abraham Lincoln?" and "Who has Common Sense?" I dunno, I thought that was halfway hilarious. x_x

In second block, Mr. Valadez gave stories about his christmas. He went on to say how he disliked the Junior Christmas Exchange idea because when he was a tyke, he got chocolate covered cherries five times in a row during elementary school years. He exceedingly overexaggerated so much to make it comical, though. People were changing to nonexistent colors just laughing! They started jumping out the window for a gasp of air. Not only that, but some were asking for an inhaler!!!

In third block, Heidi and I argued over the design of our instructional video. She decided the introduction scene would have a rainbow. The words "Learn How to Play Guitar for Dummies" would pop out from each row of color of the rainbow in an orderly fashion. I said I had better ways to express that I'm crooked, to put it in a euphemism. She asked me my opinion, and I went mathematically about it.
Since the video screen has 720 x 480 pixels, the screen would display a total of 345,600 pixels. I hypothesized that a pixel can be filled with a black dot each microsecond, making an awesome effect of a quick black blur. This effect would last 3.456 seconds, sending the class into amazement by then. The screen would have a black background by that time, but two phrases would be on screen
HOW TO PLAY GUITAR = purple text
FOR DUMMIES = yellow text
Next, the background would fade into a yellow color from black, and the words FOR DUMMIES would vanish because of its similarity to yellow. HOW TO PLAY GUITAR would be brought out because purple is yellow's complementary color.
I'll bring it for view in about two days here to make more sense, but for now, to put it in the words of a perverted teacher, "Finally! Something better than porn! HAHAH!" T_T *washes his poor ears with jalapeño sauce and soap*
* Readers are advised not to wash their eyes the same way.

In lunch, I sat alone and ate the grilled chicken burger. Afterwards, I spent time in the library. 10 minutes before lunch ended, Frances appeared suddenly and said "Hey Miguel!" She had gotten permission to escape prison class for the last 10 minutes to go to the library. We discussed the CX Debate case we have and she seemed to be having a boring day because she was laughing to things like "How do you ask an open-ended question with a word and end it with the same one again? That was awesome... 'Man, how are you supposed to find the information for that, man?'" I think it just sounded funny... *thinks about that* nah, she probably just had a boring day.

In fourth block, the class got an assignment about the Law of Sines. Four people circled their desk around me and I was helping them all out at the same time. It was funny... for me, anyway. I mean, I never knew I had so many friends! *chuckles a bit* We were promised the last assignment would be the hardest one is all. The mam kept to her promise! Most people didn't know how to interpret word questions, though, so once they understood how to break them down and solve, my circle of friends seemed to be shrinking. In my mind, it was like "Do I still multiply by pi to find the circumference of my circle of friends?"

After school, I signed up to do 20 community service hours being an assistant to assistants, really. I'd be keeping time in speeches they'd be having. Also, stacks of papers needed to be copied. I felt tempted to ask for more hours on that paper stacking part. Stacking papers and putting them in order is addicting. @_@ That would mean 26 community service hours in one week. I rule!! *looks around for agreement*

Band practice was reduced by an hour. It was hard to believe, and I wondered if he observed Daylights Saving Times or just overlooked it.

After practice, I asked Lynda how her birthday went. I had bought a card for her and made all the Color Guard members sign it. Then, I made someone from the Color Guard send it to her and asked them to tell her it was exclusively from the Color Guard. I incurred acquired no responsibility for it, so I was glad. Her birthday, I figured, wasn't good because she avoided the question. Eventually, she left. She got a ride from her chemistry teacher! O_o

Along the way home, I stopped behind a house under construction. I sat there and looked into the clouds. I almost meditated just staring into them, absorbing their color into my eyes. The clouds settled in in my mind, and I enjoyed the fog. For that moment, I couldn't think of anything that was bothering me.

The day went a bit smoother, I thought as I slowly began to think more. Frances seemed to make it a bit easier by providing an ease to social isolation, I thought, wondering if it was intentional or not.

I got home eventually. The door was locked with nobody inside. I do not own a pair of keys into my house, so I was locked out. I couldn't pick the lock from the side door because the dog was loose. I took out my ID card and did a few swipes against the door. This door doesn't accept MasterCard or t'wat? *checks again* Ooo, only one lock is getting paid today! The other one is open =D. I tried to find the spot that shoved the lock away, and found it in about 20 seconds. Lucky guess! =D I pushed as hard as I could on the card and turned the knob. The alarm went off, so I knew I made it in! I celebrated by ... well, answering the phone and telling the security company that there was no danger.

I'm a bit more calm. Work seems to be unloading from me. =) Happy Holidays everyone! I'm going Christmas shopping on the weekend, so that should be comfortable. I hope the loneliness, though, in it is soothing. _
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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2004|10:32 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Final Fantasy X - Dream that Ends Someday]

It's still hard. This may be the last week of it before I commiserate with myself in the Christmas break.

I've become a bit suicidal. Every thought is like "That person wouldn't make fun of me if they knew they'd be a cause of a death... nevermind that thought, that's not true. They would continue to do so because that's America... 'Free for all, Screw 'em all, you're your own sight' motto..."

And the desperate attempts to humor myself during the day...
"The main cause of divorce is marriage. If people wouldn't get married, there'd be no divorce!"
"Is it healthy to listen to Korn and Vitamin C?"

I'm the leader of two projects and one other group assignment. This is actually harder than I don't make it sound.

At most points, I miss the greatest people in my life.
Amy, even if she doesn't know it.
Johanna, even if we've become faded memories in each other's thoughts by now.
Fayea/Christine, who has done several mini-pep rallies for me. Thank you a million to the infinite power.
Mandy/Treni, even if we speak once every time the nine planets form a straight line.

I challenge every insult and still pick up the pencil that is said to be mightier than a sword. *shakes head and sighs*
I wish I knew how many more days were left in this state. I think that's the real challenge, and furthermore, the thought of perhaps that since it has lasted for so long that it's permanent.
This excommunication from surrounding people...
the false hopes of getting somewhere through the school system...
the wasted nights staring at the stars...
the walk to school everyday...
the treatment of only being talked to for aid in Math or loanment of money...
the sitting at the corner of a Band Hall, waiting for rehearsal to start...
the claim that losing of an $80 calculator was what happened (when someone had evidently stolen it) just because the Band director feels it would belitte the band to say such anything else...
the insults from being me... walking fast, thinking actively, being paranoid for self-sufficiency, walking long distances and being berated for not taking another option...
the cry to find privacy anywhere, and knowing there is always people around to watch if you do cry...

so pride is held. If a person does not love themself in this situation, the person will be their own enemy as well, and lose the battle.
And dang it, it crushes the small energy boosts I get to go through everyday just thinking that it's proof enough to claim that it may never end...
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Everyday feels the same when you're stuck in a lonely, hardworking life [Dec. 3rd, 2004|11:31 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Blink 182 - Shut Up]

Dear Figure,

I can feel the cages at my rib unhatching from all sides. In my anger, I'm going to burst, and I may not stop. In my sadness, I endure the thought of what it's like to jump off a building.

It's getting very hard to find motivation. There is none left anywhere, and as I brood this, I must finish another assignment, followed by a project, and wake up early for tomorrow's video project.

I'm going to have to give everything my less of all just for sheer survival.
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(no subject) [Nov. 27th, 2004|03:27 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |Chrono Cross - Dragon God]

I really don't know how many straws fit into a cup, but this one's the last one.

This Thanksgiving break is the repitition of last year's December break. Every minute is spent brooding over a thought that's against what I stand/sit for. I'm using the same playlist to cry along to, as well, adding to the delusion of having emotions. And no one notices, but it's not the fact that no one notices that bothers me. It's that 6 billion people have left me alone tonight to whine about the intangible misery that does not exist.

It's 3:29 AM. I've never stayed up this late. Thanksgiving is double the trash and dishes. My oldest brother came to visit, and everyone but me is estatic about it. There he is, taking them shopping like an American - spending money he doesn't have. He makes so many snacks, too, and my brother and sister adore him for it. And there I am, being the backbone again. I pave a way to stars so that someone else can reach them. I wash the dishes enough to keep up with the demand of their junkfood infested stomachs and the trash is picked up every 2:00 PM and 9:00 PM. Other than that, I sit at remote places, moving distantly through each place. If the family decides to watch TV, they play Monopoly as a whole. I, then, inspirate myself to live in the dark quarters of a bed that is assigned to me. I don't consider it mine because I have been moved through five beds this year, and there's still a month left to put up with, not to live.

I analyzed this enough to add clichés into it. So as to quote from everyone, whoever that is, "No matter what's wrong, someone always has it worse."

I walk to school, with no jacket or sweater, everyday. I walk back as well. I do my homework, do the chores, and rest to relive the same day.
My social life is forced to be led by introverted, unintentional tendencies. I'm in 3 extracurricular activities, and that'd be assume to say I'm as social as the sun, connecting with everyone. I spend most of my time wishing someone I could get along with, and furthermore, someone whom would get along with me, would spend some time with me, even if it wasn't quality. I can sit there and wish that, and I do get my wish come true. I get asked for hand sanitizer, gum, help in Pre-Calculus, or the loaning of a dollar. I'm a restroom station to them.
I've eliminated, though, looking for someone with a set list of qualities. To the addition of it, I don't want a friend anymore.

You'd be thinking I can just run up to Frances. It sounds as simple as finding a fault, but that's also adding on to the aforementioned. She spends most of her time talking about herself to me, and I've almost proven it that she only does this with me. With other people, she's laughing at every cliché they throw out of their mouth. It drills a hole in my mind to hear her say "I'll definitely call you! I'll call you so much, the phone will be ringing off the hook! *laugh laugh*" because, not only do I hate clichés, but I sit next to the phone with my head down, knowing she won't call.
And I just sit there! Thinking it's her every ring, but knowing it's not. And almost everyday, somehow, in class, they argue about boys versus girls, and it's said that the guys never call...
The one time this drilled bulletholes in my mind is when I sat along a bench afterschool. We had decided that we'd forget whatever we had, no matter what it was (ie. Band practice, Debate, tutorials), just to talk. We hadn't communicated for 10 days then, and, so as not to lose communication, we agreed on staying to talk for at least 10 minutes. She passed by to say "I'll be back"...
and I'm still waiting.
Other than that, yes, she's nice.

The crux of it all is the loneliness, to me, anyway. I sit here and do math problems to relieve boredom, but as it relieves boredom, it only brings more. I'm not confusing boredom with loneliness. I know both differently as distinctly as the different flavors of Dum Dums. I find it stupid to believe that I help people out altruistically and am labeled "mean most of the time, but can be nice". I'm "sick of" acronyms.

It's predicted that my mom bought me something, more than just a random shirt she thought would look nice on me, for Christmas. I do not like how this family is now suddenly trying to get along with me. Overall, I'm not ever going to associate with Machavallienists. There they are, trying to connect with me somehow, knowing they're already lost the ability to do so.
I remember it all. Just sitting there, holding two trophies up in the sixth grade for the first time, and them saying "Just put them over there and be quiet! God, they're just trophies. I'd understand if you won the lottery, but it's not, so let me do my work. Please."
Or the times my mom would ask my dad and my oldest brother how they'd like their egg in the morning. As for everyone else, she'd make scrambled eggs and say "Todos son los mismos, hasta Dios pensa de esto. Tu come lo que te dimos."
How about asking for a birthday party every year since I was 6, stopping at 13, for a party just like everyone of the kids at school? Everyone's reply was to say how a party was not needed. The parents go way too out of their way for their kids, you had said, to make them happy, and the unique thing about me was that I could be happy without a party. "So what's the point?" was supposed to justify it all.
And all the days of walking to and from school, especially the cold winter nights with gusty winds and slight rainfall. Finding out there is no such thing as the tooth fairy immediately because you explained to me how I wouldn't need money at a young age and, if I did, I could just ask. Or having to run home, as fast as I could between 4:00 PM and 4:40 PM in order to pass out uniforms on time, just to pick up marching shoes. Taking a 3-hour bus-to-and-bus-from Wal-Mart trip to buy posters for projects. *keeps thinking* Having to wear socks passed down by the third oldest brother. Accumulating money for 2 years to buy something for the one I adore, whichever time frame it occured in, have it taken away because "it was simply too much for a teenager to have". $80 is considered 2 weeks of allowance for some kids.

And if I'm going to continue about the past, I should bring up my love life thus far, with it being the only part of me that I felt abliged to live onto. Living to love, and now, loving to live. That had always been my quote. It starts off the theme to many of my daily love letters. The first condition was satisfied, but the second condition was always angry, never content. It was always an opinion. With such a desolate conclusion, I'd like to think of myself as jumping off a bridge, even if Simon didn't say to do so.
There's only been 6, though.
The first crush was in fourth grade. The girl hated to think that she was on my mind. This very young lady avoided me and vowed to change schools.
Second, a crush developed in sixth grade. I wrote her some letters and stuck it in her backpack as "Anonymous TJ". When someone told on me, she hated the vincinity around me. Her friends took alternative routes around where I would stand against the wall by myself just so I wouldn't look at her. Once, to satisfy some sort of secret that would revive me from feeling so guilty about my misfortune, she gave me her phone number. The wrong one, anyway. I had the displeasure of calling her aunt's house.
The third crush was in seventh grade. She seemed nice when she asked to borrow markers or scissors. She didn't talk much, so this was the only connection. Her voice, alone, had held me incapable of thinking. "Yes, you can borrow any marker, actually" came out as a reflex than a formed though. Soon, I got to talk to her once, and the conversation stayed in my mind for the four months to come. She dated a guy with the rigged attitude of a cynicist and the teenage soul of an extrovert, and she became one herself. She admired the dude's attitude. She bought Eminem CD's and a month later, came to school with lots of hickies, boasting about her loss of innocence.
The fourth crush was in ninth grade, which, in my honest belief, satisfied my motto. This, though, has many whole entries devoted to the subject.
The fifth crush, which I squeezed as tight as I could to not let it grow, was my first girlfriend. After 2 months, secrets built, all of which were never discussed. The relationship destroyed as she flirted her way out of the relationship and into another.
The fourth crush reappeared for a year.
Lastly, the sixth crush is the Frances mentioned in this LiveJournal.

To place in an acronym, "well, this is how I got here .... and still am here". Off I go to create more memories I'll dwell in shame soon enough. *marches off with his head up high*
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2004|12:03 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |quixoticquixotic]
[music |Tsunami Bomb - Mushy Love Song]

Tonight's love letter contains only two puns. Watch out for the theme, and do pay close attention to the connection and flow of each sentence as an appositive alludes to the beginning or the end of a sentence.

I need your hug to get me through the night. After such the hardest day ever, I want to fall into your arms. I'd want to end the day with you whom I care about. I don't want to spend another night alone, and we'd hold each other, weary if we'd fall asleep on each other's arms, but don't stop being passionate even when I say when because I made a mixtape of all these daydreaming occurings.
I missed your call. 8:33 PM the caller ID reads, but I came home at 8:53 PM, took off the mud from my shoes, and entered the house at 8:55 PM. I missed you, I realized. I didn't miss the call. Your voice would have made my day, even if it has turned night time and how the day is shared by everyone - I swear it could've been mine. The conversation, I'd daydream, would float into a humorous conversation that neither of us would be able to recall once it's done, but that wouldn't mean you can't call again. You'd be able to recall anytime. At times like these, in its literal sense, we would go into what you call "mushy gushy". The decoded wire messages would try to reveal my admiration to you, but love's so great a burden for the phone to carry, especially across the line, if ever we have crossed it yet. It would remain love, perhaps not even prospected at. Love, unprospected at, could be gold, but dare not be mined - for it is all yours. If it is as so as gold, it could not possible have luster. Substitute the word into "lover", and now we have a label for each other.
We're not friends. WE're not boyfriend and girlfriends. Lovers we are, loving each other, and although I never say it, love, for me, is you. It's 12:01 AM, so I must head off to bed to show up in our dreams. Good night, sleep tight... our bond will hold you as such.
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2004|11:20 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |quixoticquixotic]
[music |Punchline - You Mean The World To Me]

For some reason, I feel compelled to post my nightly love letters online. Every night before I sleep, I write a love letter to my crush. I never send them and just stick them in a folder. I've been almost forced to send two to meet up with social terms. Today was a prime example of them. It would seem more organized for me to start today's nightly letters on LiveJournal. Here was today's; it's a bit underwritten compared to the rest, so perhaps it may seem as if clichés were thrown in here to rush through it. One forewarning: watch out for the theme and, even more, the puns involved; that's all these love letters are made out of.

After 3 hours of homework and chores and a heavy-duty day (literally), I should be able to sleep, but daydreaming with my eyes open brings an allusion to the discussion of an illusion. My mind slips into this illusion, still awake, for my heart's beating is beating at the cages and keeping me up. I should at least start on how I got to this state, even if this country hasn't annexed it. Preceding a monotonous day, I try to think of warm, pleasant thoughts... and you came in my mind, but this is not as if I were not doodling perfect scenes in my head of us hanging out already. Why 'perfect scenes'? Because you're in them.
Here we are, just the three of us... you, with all the grace and both, inner and outer, beauty you possess... me... and my DORK cap. We're dressed in casual attire... you have what seems to be the Ghostbuster shirt with your hair left undry. I'm wearing my monochromatic set of a light blue shirt with faded blue jeans. The fog has finally set on Laredo, clearly adding a distorted view for what is up next. Anything may be up next, even our hands tied in a Thumb War match. We're in one of our usual walks, cracking small jokes and imitating people's gestures, especially those who have imposed stress on us. The place is at, what appears to be, a field with "No Trespassing" signs on all sides - that would make us feel secure that no one will interrupt our conversation. Finally, one of us says a light-hearted comment of the other, and we both turn to each other and have nothing but a shy smile to offer. My eyes cannot communicate with my brain, and my mouth is incapable of delivering even a letter. My eyes almost kiss the outstretched cheek that delivers a mystical smile so colossal and generous, and I'm forced to believe the wide smile must influence people to obey their acquaintances and have a good day. The schoolboy student has to drift his pupils away, slowly regaining his foggy vision and has come to realize that even if his mouth cannot produce any of the alphabet's structured parts, it is not the one speaking... it is his hand, rolling many letters into one huge letter on a college-ruled paper for additional space.
It's a memory from the future meant to be the past. I miss you, and I know you said you'd be there when you're needed, but you can't be. It's creepy to think that I think I couldn't live without for even one second, and here I am, complaining just because I miss you so much and crossing this out and leaving it to two science terms to describe - a light matter, but perhaps you are thinking the same, and my unquenchable third to talk to you has been satisfied since we have connected. Good night, and sweet dreams... just as long as you fill them up.
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(no subject) [Nov. 10th, 2004|10:17 pm]
Emo Dork
Miguel Gazette

In the morning, I talked to Frances about yesterday. She handed me a letter nicely decorated from the exterior, and was almost in the process of chronic shock. I also sat about 3 inches apart from her, the closest I've ever been to her.

In first period, I took out the letter to read. The letter did not even say "Hi"; she started her first love letter the same way I did when I gave her one. I did like the theme of it, but how she trembled her way to making it fit detracted from the overall message, but goodness, that was almost a rhapsody in itself.

How am I supposed to go through the day smiling so much?

In second block, the class watched Cyrano de Bergerac. The ending is the only part of the whole play I'd go girly over.

In third block, I argued with my group most of the time. I spent the time drawing my way into the storyboard and working feverishly to try to get the digital camcorder to upload the information into the computer.

During Lunch, I sat alone and dwelled in my loneliness. I couldn't do anything, so I just sat there and stared at the wall.

Fourth block dealt with sin and cos graphs (part two). Not much to it, but when you take AP courses with people who shouldn't be placed in places they can't advance, then it's trouble.

Afterschool, I went to CX Debate practice. Frances never showed up, so I worked my case with Iracema and Jeanette. Jeanette spent her time laughing to virtually everything I said. She was very hyper, singing things like "A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!" and I just said "Heh, the music video... people crossing the river... o_o" and she blasted a 42 second laughter. She then talked about funding in the case... and I was like "$14 for every All-Stater in the Band!"... no one laughed... so I went on "Alright, alright, how would plate sales work?" and since the Band does lots of plate sales, I guess the joke rallied around the room and back to me, which I never really giggled at. ;( Then, I got to a Miguel joke... "Oh wow, what did this guy have in mind when he wrote this!" and cracked up at my own joke. It was a lot of one-sided laughter, anyway. They would say something and I would laugh, but they would stare. I'd say something I usually say and they crack up, with me staring. It was fun, really, and we got some work done. Jeanette was holding back progress, I'd say. I missed Frances enough to take the letter out again, and in the midst of reading it aloud, I put it down and finished off the letter, proving that I had memorized not just the words, but the measurement of them. She dug deep, past all the platonicism of high school and the ignorance of sensory in this day, age, time period, and commitment to business life.

I took the second-to-last scene for the music video. I walked home, jamming out to Cauterize and Over It.

I am now done with some of my homework. I am off to continue the homework. Thanks for putting up with the boredom, you deserve a joke.

Q: How do you know God is emo?
A: The sky is full of stars!
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(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2004|10:46 pm]
Emo Dork
This is for, uh, record-keeping, I'd rather say.

So! Now that I've lost my "Dear Figure" start, I'd also want to loosen up on my entries. They'll make me cry badly after graduation is all, and my plan is already decided to burn any memories of childhood that I didn't really live SO!

I woke up and got to school at 7:31 AM.

I passed out a bunch of music to people, me being the librarion and most people depend on me since they know I obey every order that doesn't deal with religion. I had my trombone the whole time and kept doing marching trombone visuals. I warned everyone in my path that I wasn't stopping until someone got hurt; then I'd go somewhere else to do it, but anyway, no one really took heed of my warning since it's my responsibility to stop anyway.

The band took long so at 8:15 AM, I escaped the Band Hall and gave Frances the surprise I had been preparing for a week. It took a while to make, by the way, but it's really dorkier than any surprise I've done. It took a lot of colors and scissors, too. I got 20 stars and put "20 reasons that make you you", and how I end a sentence with the same word is beyond me because there are people who start and end an open-ended question using the same word, and as an example, I'll say something like "Man, how do you get there so fast, man?" Anyway, she smiled and all her friends moved to a side and she was staring right into my eyes with her smile. I had my messy hair and dumb band uniform and there she was, in the orange shirt with a picture of a monkey on it... goodness, not only is orange her color, but it's my favorite color and there she was, smiling RIGHT at me. I had to step back and grin shyly. I secretly wish I could take a picture of that. She went on to talk about something way off subject and I had to acknowledge the fact that she had turned red for her. She did her cute giggle and I ended the conversation. I went back into the Band Hall and checked my forehead. I was sweating.

The Veteran's Day Concert occured. I didn't like the way they said so many prayers and thanked God, but thanks to a reliable source, I'll no longer be as disrespectful as shake my head in the middle of one.

I changed back from the band uniform to my dorky outfit and put up uniforms and shakos. I went to class and got to work on the 10-hour homework assignment-of-a-storyboard. We also had some trouble. We had shot everything on film from an 8mm camera and there was no wire to connect it to the computer. I was halfway disappointed, but I figured many ideas that would work. Now, to implement them...

In Lunch, I sat alone and was already mad. I figured that being mad wouldn't solve much and the people who made me mad now have power over me. I had just been verbally assaulted by a teacher and by 3 kids. To my disadvantage, a pen and paper, that has never resolved anything, was taken out and used to write down certain emotions. My favorite line that appeared: "The hardest thing about being independent is that you have no one to rely on, and knowing this, you become more independent. Being independent causes an even further seperation between you and them, then."

In fourth block, Mr. 3rd Block substituted for the class and kept shouting "BE QUIET!!!" to everyone. I spent most of my time working on graphing the 9 problems of things like "8csc(-1/2x)". Tricky to some degree.

Afterwards, I walked to the Band Hall and was expecting Frances to wave a bit jollier. Not that it's an imposed expectation, but she usually would do so. I figured something went wrong when she wasn't herself, so I worked my way through her words and got to asking her "What's wrong?" by saying something like "We can't practice CX if you're like this." She went on about how my sister and brother sat nearby her and Lynda's lunch table. Lynda did this on purpose, I concluded, so now I know that Lynda has something against me being happy. 'My family and my personal life mixed' is the home of the problem bursting in my mind. At that point, I was ready to run out every door and run away from the schedule I am stuck to.

Sure enough, something WAS up, and it was more than just ceilings and skies. It could be a little under the weather, even if there's no other way to be. (bad joke T_T)

She told me how she heard a few bad things. I had to mind jog my way through my knowledge and memory to decipher what could have happened because of the mysterious, unsettled mood she had. What a waste of a surprise! Thank you, sister. Hypothetically, my sister told Frances that many people call me and as a second attribute, that I'm demanding. Frances also had some half-assed mouth objection to me accepting Amy's apology, too, so I figured that this mood was just jealousy. I had never said anything to guys asking her out almost in front of me, but here she is, having something to say against an apology of making a worthy friendship. To me, because I'm unethical, feel that this is almost controllive. Aren't males the gender that are supposed to get like that? It's almost as if she doesn't even trust me, so, and to some degree, she was pissing on my leg metaphorically, and I'd have no problem with doing it literally, but that'd be a little disgusting. (it's a bad joke ~_~)

I decided to circle the problem, and as long as she didn't catch it, she would be a bit more cheerful. I reminded her of constants (circumstances of things that don't change) and she would nod her head to most of it because that's how the body works for almost everyone. "Those boring speeches that you hafta pay attention to". I kept it going almost naturally and at the same time, tried to think of at least 2 funny things to stick in that half-monologue. It worked, and I guess the exaggeration of the jokes allowed them to be accepted as jokes. We left to the left and she walked me to the Band Hall so I can go to practice. She hugged me, something that happens less frequently than a red sky and a blue moon followed by an eclipse.

And yeah, I have my own half-assed mouth objection, but if we put two half-assed mouth objections together, you get assed mouth objections, and it's not something I want to get into at this point of my life.

Band practice occured. One weird thing to note; Christina, a freshman clarinet player, kept checking to see if I was looking directly at her. There was almost no other way because she was in my field of vision as I focussed on the Band director. She almost cracked up everytime she checked and I looked back.

Afterwards, I left walking, but bumped into Lynda. I asked "What did my sister say?" and she burst into laughter as loud as tears. She screamed one of her clichés of "You don't want to know, trust me!"

So now, not only is Frances keeping secrets, but so is Lynda. So, y'know, the idea comes that I could ask my sister, but I'm not going to bother. If it's a secret, use it against me. It's the second time this'll ever happen, but this time, I'm going to finish the job because see, to me! I don't care if I'm being informal anymore, as you can tell, but that's having no respect. Considering someone a best friend and talking behind their back (from what it seems as) is an oxymoron and to me, should be almost a civil case. If someone is going to attack my self-esteem, they should be proud of it and finish it off because if they don't finish it off, then I'll get relentless revenge and never finish until I'm all run out of angry emotions in this uncaring, stoic stance.

It's almost a style when close-minded people talk so openly, and even worse, when they steal your lines and use them against you because they were good lines...

I talked to Amy on the phone, too. That was a fun conversation... and educational. I was practically convinced that I needed to change for the better. I decided to use her as a role model in my mind and try to almost mimic the essence of an emo person because, in the past, when that did happen, I felt more content with life. She found a nice Chris Carraba picture at the time, too. =P

I threw myself to sleep and then threw myself out of it because I decided to record-keep. I probably used more "I"s than "e"s, but this is a selfish, self-absorbing time of the day... the LiveJournal... so I'll use my American etiquette and lie my way through this by saying this - IT'S MY JOURNAL AND I CAN WHINE IF I WANT TO! Oo, oo, related joke.

Q: How can you tell it's an emo boy hitting on you and not a regular boy?
A: Instead of asking for your phone number, he asks for your blog!
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Fever Day [Oct. 18th, 2004|11:47 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |sicksick]
[music |Sending Postcards From a Plane - Fall Out Boy]

Dear Figure,

I started my day out by opening my eyes to a clock that said "7:27 AM". I wouldn't get to school on time to talk to Frances very long. I almost jumped out of bed and did the morning routine of searching through clothes, taking (or leaving) a shower, and eating breakfast. I left the door at about 8:05 AM.

I got to school at about 8:22 AM and sat down for about 4 minutes until Frances and I went to walk around and talk about her dream and her driving experience to Wal-Mart. Ah! She is learning to drive. Perfect time; gas prices are at about $1.80 or so (argue as you please, but it's just a bad joke =P).

In first block, we turned in assignment 10.1 and 10.2 at the same time. (mainly because you can't split a paper in two) We also played a game. We raised our cards to multiple-choice questions and whichever person got the most right got extra points on our next test.

In second block, we copied down 2 pages worth of vocabulary words with pronounciations and sentence examples. Soon enough, ink was ubiquitous on my desk.

In third block, there was some fire alarm to, I dunno, scare the bugs away. It was so hot outside (I think it was just me =P). It burned like the sun because... oh! The sun was out. Texas heat and a fever didn't blend well. I felt like yanking my throat off and replacing it afterwards. Back inside, we worked on Chapter 9 Key Terms and questions. It's due Friday.

During Lunch, I felt really bad with this fever. I had no one to complain to (because I sit alone), so I just muttered and acted like if I was cursing things like "The ghosts of Christmas visited me too early..." I was shivering in a room with no Air Conditioner... I forced the hot dog into my mouth that time. My throat hurt so much! I walked along my normal route and people looked at me weird because I was huddled up as much as I could. I hate high fevers, and they hate me back.

In fourth block, we studied the basics of sine and cosine. Ah! Now I can make corny math jokes like "Hey baby, what's your sine?"

After school, I talked to Lynda for about 10 minutes and then went to Math UIL. It was somewhat fun there. I got to be the teacher for the day because the coach didn't know most of the problems. The new Math UIL competitors, though, looked so lost. I figured that I had to talk in Spanish and soon enough, I hear all these "Ohhhhhhhh"s. I left at about 5:40 PM as the mam explained how she buys snacks for people who stays on Wednesdays. Afterwards, I was scared to walk home for 20 minutes with such a fever. I lay myself on the ground until I realized how quixotic it is to wait until the sun goes down. I got up and proclaimed "I am Don Diaz de Laredo!", and with a small giggle, went off to walking. After such the hardest trial, I got to my house.... but was locked outside of my house. I threw myself at the door and scratched for about a minute until I realized I felt something itchy in my pants. I stood up and walked around for about 10 minutes until someone got home. I got in the house, got to my upper bunk bed in my mom's room, and threw myself to sleep.

I woke up with the same fever. I called Frances and we talked for about 30 minutes (on and off). She had to go! *cries a continent*... even if continents are land. It's just because she's fun to talk to.

I played Lineage for about 40 minutes (with my new Dark Elf morph! =D) and hunted 70f with Aelloha, BITEME, and AkuSokuZan. Vampire was up so Aelloha and AkuSokuZan left. BITEME and I were bored enough to keep hunting. We got nothing more than Potion of Wisdom (3), so we complained and that means we're leaving!

Now, I'm here, done with my homework. I'm going ... to... *falls asleep*
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The past... [Oct. 11th, 2004|01:54 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |Dashboard Confessional - Living In Your Letters]

Dear Figure,

In the past month, two people that had the largest influence on my behavior, lifestyle, and thoughts have sent an e-mail to provide a critical claim that I have changed enough to be claimed as to be another human being. In a summary, the friendship between both people and I grew for so long. I did all the wrong things to break it off. Most of the attacks were, largely, made by using what I did and excluding the reasons why I did any of those actions. Again, too, I must say that I let many things slip by to even create such a large friendship. I could have done the same to both people with as much intention as the decision of squelching resentment until problems were resolved. To support their theories, I went back to my e-mail inbox and read e-mails that dated back to 2001, and I came to this.

I used to write such long e-mails. As I read, I laughed a lot. I didn't laugh loudly, but I was amused sporadically. The person who sent these e-mails had a great thought pattern and concept of what other people felt. Judging by the e-mails, this person had the quality of being exceedingly other-centered to the point that if the choice was between duty and friend, they chose friend and had no shame or guilt about it. A zealot about being recognized, he made sure that there was some type of communication that existed everyday between the person and himself, whether it was e-mail, offline messages, or an actual conversation. These actions were meant to build a stronger foundation for the building of a friendship. Through overanalyzation, I found that the best time of my life so far has been March 2003 through May 2003, the months in which I acquainted and, to some degree, became close friends with Amy Perez. The feeling experienced through this is best described in the quote:

Miguel says:
*HUGS!* You made my day!
Amy says:
Miguel says:
And cheered me up!
Amy says:
u made mine too! hugs back

The mystery remains unsolved on where exactly the transition between the naíve, caring, satiated boy and the cynical, logical, desensizited body occurred. As I read through the e-mails, I felt that I wanted to cry. Miguel wanted to cry, but my body did nothing. It kept reading as if it was a biology book. E-mails of Karen Moody, Sarah Medellín, Rob N, and so on has little meaning to me now, but I can remember waking up an hour early on school days just to check my e-mail and answer them. As I kept reading, I could feel an inner explosion of guilt and nostalgia, but the exterior body remained at ease. I only wish to the highest extension that wishes can travel that I can return to that body, no matter how much I wanted to transform to a grown-up. I remember telling myself that I wouldn't be pleased in either position because I'd want to interchange between both freely until I was never satisfied. Now, I can't be satisfied. I'm desensitized and I do care, thus leading me to conclude this epiphany with the statement: I've created an oxymoron/paradox/cliffhanger/juxtapose/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, and I cannot solve it through any means: scientifically or spiritually.
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17 [Sep. 30th, 2004|07:17 am]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

1, 2, ready, AND!

*plays along with guitar*

*breates in* Happy birthday to me! (whoo!) < repeat >
Happy BIRTHDAY to Miguel!!
*loud and proud voice*HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

And so, I start my morning!

Yeah, happy birthday... even if I was born at 1:00 PM. =) 4 hours after my mom got into the hospital...
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Bad mouth, bad breakdown, and bad joke. [Sep. 25th, 2004|03:39 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |fearful]
[music |Final Fantasy VIII - Blue Fields]

Dear Figure,

The jalapeños got to my mouth. I can cuss now and not feel guilty! *throws a joke... and hopes someone catches it*

I've been happy a lot more, too. I can hang out with some people any time except Lunch. They are just acquaintances looking to laugh, but I guess that has to do for now. Lunch is still my time to hang out alone and just sit there, doing whatever I want to do that day. Expand my ken by reading SAT books, write a letter, play with the 5 modes on my watch, or even watch a plant grow! Yep, yep.

I've also cried in Band twice already. Yesterday was one of the times I did. My sister joined Band and she sat right behind me. I was talking to people around me and we were laughing all the way! (HA HA HA! o_O) Yeah, but everytime I would talk, there had to be this counter-echo of what I said. If I said "NO!" it'd be like a whiny "YES!" right behind me. Soon enough, I was sick of being patrolled. Added up with all the putdowns I got during the week from doing the right thing, I was somewhat scared that I would cry.

After the football game is over, we board the buses and I try to get everyone's uniform bag flat so it won't wrinkle. A girl punches me in the stomach and says "THAT'S MY UNIFORM BAG!" I ignore it and continue to work on getting it straight. "It doesn't have anything!" she repeats, and I respond by saying "It is only an order to follow. It will benefit you, too." She punches me in the body area boys don't really like to be punched, but she did not use full force. Rather, my impeccable mood had changed to a knavery stage. Guys can PMS, so I shouted right back "QUIT THAT AND LET ME DO MY JOB BECAUSE THE BAND DIRECTORS WON'T LET US LEAVE! The only place we're going is to sleep if you don't stop that!" Once that was said, she shoved me and I landed onto the armrest of the seat adjacent to that.

And I saw it all dellusional again.
I saw the Cursed Elmore Soldiers attacking me with their pikes as the Cursed Elmore Wizards shot ice daggers until I was frozen. The Cursed Elmore Generals were already wielding their Sword of Flames as the Fire Archers of Darkness placed a match on the tip of each arrow, eagerly anticipating 10 seconds into the future so the arrows will be on fire and they can shoot at me.
I saw Ettins lunging themselves onto me and shouting warcrys.
I, the Dark Elf, was accelerating my movement to speed up and run away. Most of my strength was gone, and there was no way I was going to escape, no matter how much hope I had contained inside.

I dropped to one knee, laid my head down, and cried. I closed my eyes and pretended nothing existed but my mind, letting itself think.
"Do not continue. Iconoclastic philosophies will not help you. Every brilliant notion you know will not work. It is not the pursuit of happiness you should be thinking about; it's the pursuit of survival. How do I get accepted into Stanford or MIT with impasses and barriers guarding the way? I have to work so hard to impress the man who will check the application forms. I can cry all I want here, but once I open my eyes, there will still be people that made me feel discontent all week trying to lift me up physically because THEY CAN'T DO IT EMOTIONALLY CORRECT! I should pull down my pants and piss on their legs; they're doing it metaphorically, I'll do it literally! It won't change their skin color anyway. Why!? Why do they call a meeting just to get mad at people and talk about a lack of unity? There can't be unity if you shout at people! Add a joke to an order; it helps ease the tension and creates unity, which in turn, raises morality and these people that you know are opressed, whether there is a ***ing economy in this or not, are just considered figures on the field.
And why do "
boys suck?"? Because people will remember every little horrible mistake you do, so when the day comes, they can strike and use it against you so their self-esteems won't be hurt. But if you do something good for them, they'll smile and forget it happened.
Where did poets obtain the guts to lie to the public and claim that life is beautiful?
How come all these people can cuss and talk back to their authority and get farther into happiness than I can?
How come I can treat a girl better than most guys would and still, the guys who hang out with their friends more often than her keep them longer?
Is it you, or is it the world? Because it can't be the world. They're dancing and playing along to the radio right now.
Just give up... everytime you are happy, you see a condescending, descending trail to tears... it is all for the same result... it is to make you give up... just give up, Miguel. You are here in a letdown position and cannot get up. Let all the dreams go. Live as a bum if you have to; all I want you to do now... is survive... give up the quixotic dreams, they don't come true... feel ... safe...
Think about it, Miguel. Find one person or object that has no anger towards you. Once you find one as such, overanalyze this and see if it is reciprocated.
No one, Miguel.
Give up? Because you aren't going to find the answer.
Give up.

And I slowly opened my eyes to notice that someone had taken the risk that I would strike back if they touched me and carried Miguel to his seat. I worked my way into sleep as I listened to the sounds of people having fun, dancing to salsa music...

And I'm slowly recovering from a week of an 18-hour day schedule and still being behind...

It's my birthday on Thursday, by the way. Trying not to get my hopes up because most birthdays have been the same. Consider it taking things for granted, but 10 cupcakes and ice cream is not too ideal. Next year, I'll be 18, and I'm going to spend my wallet on selfish myself! =D
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(no subject) [Sep. 17th, 2004|11:39 pm]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

The rivals are still visiting. This is intentionally made for you then. And for those of you just coming along to read something pretty, here is something! Without further ado, I present to you... oh, hold on... *washes the dishes*... I present the monologue!

From the movie Chasing Amy!

Alyssa: Why are we stopping?
Holden: Because I can't take this.
Alyssa: Can't take what?
Holden: I love you.
Alyssa: You love me?
Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.
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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2004|11:43 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |ebullient]
[music |Saves the Day - Ups and Downs]

Dear Figure,

Finally free from the ups and downs! *sings along*

I admit, from the analyzed piece of this, the hard part was being in love; the fun, easy part is the part I am in now! ^_^

It's so hilarious reading people trying to offend you using inappropriate, ethereal language than approved, existing evidence. Relating to that would be the analogies these people make.

I'm not hanging out alone often. I write notes to Frances and see her every morning, even in unscheduled days. I walk into the Band Hall to hear David say "De seguro te esta buscando Frances", and usually, I'll give him a gang-stare face and say "Messed up... well, I'll be on the look out... thanks for getting my back".

In my anger from last week, I made some acquaintances. People think it's funny to listen to me ramble on and on. I drew a crowd over making fun of any type of people.

Religious: You ever wondered what happened to the gods the Indians might've had? They had thousands of gods for everything. The God of Water, the God of Popsicles, the God of Microphones. But once they're wiped out, they don't exist anymore. No one thinks of those gods they believed in so much. It's almost the same for us, isn't it? They used to tell you that God is above the sky... in a far distant place... and then NASA checks and all they find are asteroids and planets; was that a death trap? It's for money and power. Guess why they didn't sell bibles? Just to have you go to church! And how often do they pass around the basket now? 3 times per session? And why! They even sell chicken to get money for themselves! You've heard of Church's Chicken, haven't you?

So on, but I've also stressed a bit. I stand still, think of the solution, and focus on getting to it. I was flunking 3 classes. @_@ Horrid! But they're back up to their usual 98's and 100's. =) That's about it for now.
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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2004|09:58 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |whiny]
[music |Final Fantasy VII - Aeris's Theme]

Dear Figure,

Night time is a lonely time for Miguel. I come home from the same day, consisting of classes (and looking around in these classes to see everyone smiling, laughing, and talking, with me, on the background, sitting in the back, waiting for the next second to pass by to get onto the next one, which will be the same as the one before), marching band, and chores. I don't even look forward to the end of the day. Why, at all? I wake up to the same day, only just a little worse.

I think of all the people who bumped into me in the hallway. I brood over the people who removed the Band-Aid on my face and laughed about it in the lunch line. I consider all the people who cut in line at Lunch and laugh about it. I, most of all, think about every dang loss the past has left me, who is in the present.

I think most about Olivia (Oly), though. She was an ex-best friend of my ex-girlfriend. She had the ability to have fun with all these "new" friends and be mean to Amy, my ex-girlfriend, for a long time. Oly did this by using ugly screen names and arguing with Amy. As Oly was having fun with her friends, Amy and I usually had conversations about Amy never being good enough. Amy thought she was not important enough to Oly and would never be friends again. I would defend her by saying she was; Amy would think of something new, usually in a cliché, to say she wasn't. I stayed up to argue about it when I had the most crammed schedule. She'd win these arguments... sometimes, she didn't even have a reason; that's just how it was. She just won. Eventually, Oly apologized to Amy through an e-mail and they were, almost immediately, best friends again. And rather than arguing or ugly screen names, I assume myself to have been very nice to Amy. I thought of romantic ideas to prove my passion and would improve on it with each idea I got until it ended up with anything. The first time, she just stopped talking to me once; the second time, she broke up with me because another guy was "confusing" her... and she'd crawl back sometimes, and I'd accept her so quickly. I guess I was happy just being around her... and now that I've done more than Olivia's e-mail to repossess even a friendship, Amy has me blocked, deleted, and out of many exhibits, is being explained by others that I am a horrible person.

And I'm tired of being the "better" man. These situations happen just way too much. Once, I lost my wallet with 30 dollars; I had been saving that my whole life. I was 9 at the time, so anything that shined was wonderful. But 30,000 pennies, in the form of dollar bills, in one wallet?!? I didn't know how to argue. I asked for it back 2 days ago and all he had to say was "That was a long time ago. Drop it, I'm never going to give it back. I have friends to back me up, and you don't. So choo off and go read your books, stupid nerd" (all in Spanish).

And ohhhhhh, I want my revenge. On everyone who can just bully me up and down because I can do nothing back, legally and non-legally. But what will revenge get me? I will just want more and, since people who cause pain are introcentered, they will focus on getting revenge for that revenge.
Just because I don't have any friends to help me through this.
Just because self-motivation is a fake resistance to subside the flow of pain.
The sole reason that I never smile in a wide majority of my days.
And in a generalization that should be accepted without a disclaimer due to its high majority, a grand cheer to all those people who get to smile forever and after they are done having fun, someone else has to clean up. And the fraction that I cannot understand: THAT THEY STILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR LIVES. And have you ever heard these people complain? They'll say things, very similar to:
"Ayyy, how come I don't get 20 dollars, too?"
"It's not fair! I have to take care of grandpa in the hospital and she gets to go out with her friends?"
"Hey, come on! Ladies first!"
"They're all cute, but I don't know..."

Back onto the real problem of that, for almost the many more reasons excuses, Amy can just tell me "it doesn't matter" when I ask her how she is. Back then, we'd have 2 hour conversations about her bad day. And now... *sighs* but I understand. There is little to lose from doing this for her. I stick here with additional boredom, loneliness, and stacked impatience, all hidden from faking a patient, serious attitude when outside of the virtual world.

Despair is raging me after turning my head around and looking down the path that's led me here to this night, with no pockets of new light. If there is new light further up ahead, I care very little; it will only blind me and I'm far too feeble to accept it. I want to drop out of high school. I'd prefer to have fun now. After my Band explosion, I was forced to tell the director specifically the events that led to my decision. They all speculated that, very accordingly to words, I'd end up sick if I keep it all inside. Releasing it by fun is the solution.

*looks away from the computer and sighs* I don't want to return to it again...
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(no subject) [Aug. 30th, 2004|09:55 pm]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

Miguel wakes up... *fast forward* and walks to school.

I get there and sit in my first block class. Most people talk a bit and laugh while I sit there and wonder if I'll be able to sit with anyone ever and do that. "That's okay!!" I remind myself.

On the way to second block, I sneak my late report into Mr. 3rd Block's class as he sneezes. *hand sanitized thumbs up to bacteria*

Second block teacher is so Hispanic, you'd think he was drunk forever. He talks a lot about being culturally proud, and if he's not, he implies it. I also don't like how he thinks he's a realist when he makes his answers as painful as possible when you ask him a question. The whole class loves to laugh to his jokes while I sit there and wonder "Impressions matter!! My reputation, oh my Buddha, I need to make people laugh by using low-witted sarcasm that's used everyday to satisfy their low mentality rates of laughing to anything that sounds funny!"

In third block, I think the teacher was a role model. He went on to discuss things I loved to think about. And dang it, he has his beliefs set in paper, stone, walls, other people's houses, desks, and anything else people write on! He discussed why most Mexicans had to be macho and why African Americans can be closer friends than two Hispanics. He also discussed, with the class, opinions girls have on guys depending on their personalities. He talked this all out of subject because he usually has a class discussion so we can be ready to work for the first 20 minutes of class. "See, we don't want a guy that's tough, we want him sensitive, too. But not too sensitive where he's like all over your privacy and..." a girl said.
"Ohhhhhh, no wonder..." I said in the backgroud, and some people chuckled.
"That's the ultimate paradox of girls. We want a tough guy.... but we don't want him tough. We want him sensitive, but not too sensitive. We want him funny, but not too funny. You get where I'm going?", the sir will say with these fascinating facial and hand movements.
It kept me listening intently. And I give him credit (even if he can't use them to graduate), he can express his ideas in some funny, and if not, fun, method.

Lunch came and I ate. I went to my Writer's Bench and stared onto the next wall, eavesdropping whichever conversation was around.

In fourth block, Pre-Calculus, we did Quadratic Functions. Coupons and offers, such a big deal! *skips to after school*

It was such a serious and monotonous day. I went to CX Debate practice to be lectured on how the system works. This is like a pre-death heaven for me. You have to find flaws in a plan that your opponent sets and question him/her about it. I had tons of fun, but didn't get to speak much. I have to listen first before I can talk. I was like "@_@ *tries a pick up line* Hey Debate... oh, what my name is? You can call me anything, just as long as you call me!"

I was finally able to talk to Mandy! ^_^ I apologize for being boring if I was... x_x I felt like I was, anyway. Maybe next time I won't shy away after every sentence...

It's in yellow so, you know, it's the highlight of my day.

Now, I'm just wondering why I don't just live life instead of criticize it. I don't think I want to live life if I have to put up with pessimistics, or heck, even worse, people that have no opinion about it.

As for one last social event, my ex-girlfriend has put me in her place two months ago. She used to want her ex-best friend back, but that ex-best friend's boyfriend took all her time and attention. My ex-girlfriend felt useless to this ex-best friend. Now, my ex-girlfriend's time and attention is turned mostly to that ex-best friend (since they are friends again), and I'm deleted and blocked from her list as of today. Irony! The protagonist is under the antagonist's control and opposing the antagonist is opposing the protagonist. Now, figure out that paradox and "the ultimate paradox of women" and you'll be forever worshiped. *places, in the dining room, an altar with a picture-less frame on top of the altar* Starting... NOW!
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(no subject) [Aug. 29th, 2004|10:48 pm]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

It's not me. It's not them. I've had this explained to me already.

I have yet to meet/see someone optimistic. Most people are pessimistic or can't decide things, so they let the situation decide for them. Once the situation decides for them, they complain. There's very much this huge decline, mainly due to paranoia, to intelligence and success. You'll read so many quotes about this stuff, but man, there are more excuses that are considered reasons. "Sharing is caring", right? On the very same second you touch somebody's pencil, their eyes open and say "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? That's mine!!!" in whatever version their choice of words is. Everything is so "MINE! MINE! MINE!". Once someone buys something, it's theirs. I understand that concept. It's very obvious why it's theirs. I do respect that, but the oxymoron in this comes into play when you try walking by because dang it, people everywhere (especially United States) are so insecure about proxemics. If you claim the world's overpopulated, we're probably going to bump! Don't shout at me for it! And why complain about long lines? Does that make them faster? Smile and take it, regardless of gender, which in turn, will relax the situation and make it faster.

It's pretty much why I sit alone in the bus and all. I don't mind it one bit anymore. I'm sitting down, just smiling as "life passes me by". Doing so pays off so well. I had surgery and am now behind on my work from 3 consecutive days I didn't go to school. It's the first time I was ever absent. Anyway, I've been having great days. They are the same days I had when I was sad. It all depends on mood - not on the day. My DORK cap can burn but as long as I'm smiling, I had a good day.

How's that cliché go...? "Ignorance is bliss"? I'm proposing to myself then! *offers an onion ring*
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Most Important Week of My Life [Aug. 25th, 2004|08:52 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |refreshedrefreshed]
[music |Green Day - Hold On]

Dear reader,

This isn't a shout out to people; this is just a forewarning. This entry is not intended for people who come for humor or much of a happy smile. It's serious, indicating that this might be taken as a life lesson or as boring.

SATURDAY - The week started off on Saturday when I boarded the bus. I was going to a quinciñera that would start at 8:00 PM. I got on the bus and it took me right to the bus station. Once there, I looked for a map to get to the place. I could walk for about 40 minutes and make it, but that would mean to make it late. I got on a bus that I thought would go to the place; I realized it was going into places of Laredo I had never seen. I was scared, but I polymorphed into Death Knight, which would help me stay calm and focused. I asked for a stop and got off on the place most familiar to me, although it had been since I was 8 that I had seen it. To the left of the place was a place I had gone for Halloween Trick-Or-Treating - I knew how the houses here looked like before, but now they were worse. Most windows used tape to keep the window up. Some houses had their lights on; some didn't. I stood on the bus stop and waited for another bus to come on by. This one would take me closer to where I needed to. I believed this as much as I could for every second that passed by.
Save me, please. I can't stay here. The sun is setting...
The bus wasn't passing by. Will it ever? Would my own memory fail me?
I started to think. If I don't take the bus, where can I walk? Do I ring a doorbell? What shall I do? I'll stay here and as I think, the bus has to come.
I could feel each second passing by. The bus station was also scheduled to stop at 9:00 PM from my knowledge. It was around 8:12 PM.
8:22 PM came. Where... is it?
I walked the route backwards when I heard the noise. The bus was coming. I chuckled myself out of nervousness and ran back to the bus stop, and surely enough, a man got off and said "Corale, mijito, corale!" And so I did.
I got on and somehow, it happened again. It wasn't taking me anywhere familiar. The world seemed to get too complicated. A man rang the bus stop request, and he went out. I decided to walk out too before I get any more lost.
Where am I? I thought of asking him, but he was carrying a beverage that could only be beer from the colors. I have to ask.
I didn't ask.
About 2 minutes later, a bus came. This was my third dollar down the machine. Money conscious... leave it to the past time. I got on and sat, hugging myself and making myself believe that I was okay.
The bus was close enough for me to make out the colors of the nearby Toys'R'Us. I got off the bus and jogged to the Toys'R'Us. I found a way around the place and looked for the building the quinciñera was at. Finally, it was in view. It looked like a war refuge when I saw it. I walked in placidly, not expecting anyone to see me. On the doorway, Vanessa G. and Cristine, two great friends to my crush, waved at me. Vanessa offered a hug, so I gave it. Small talk occured and ended in less than 30 seconds.

I took a seat in the quinciñera and was offered food. I ate it and drank the red, tasteless, but thirst-quenching beverage. It was alright, and I didn't want to seem like if I really needed a drink. I drank it like most people do - two sips, place down, and two sips again soon enough. Delighted from the meal, I was worried about my breath. I rush into the restroom and use SCOPE Mouthwash. I try not to look as if I'm chugging it as I place 20 mL into my mouth. I time myself, spit it out, and rush out.

Tali, the person the quinciñera was for, noticed me soon enough. She motioned for me to look some way, saying "HURMPH HURMPH is here", using the HURMPH as the noise from a nudge. I nod my head in agreement, even though I have less than a candy idea for what she mint meant. I decide to look outside and in all the fame she glorifies in my head, Amy was there.

Her friends and her were having fun. Everyone went inside eventually, and I did too. I took out my handy notes in my wallet and read over so many of them. Vanessa G. noticed me and took a seat next to me. She questioned me to why I was alone, and created what could be the perfect soliloquoy to a play. It was almost as if she memorized her lines, because they came out so meaningful that they held too much truth for even delegates to decline. She told me how she was leaving and that Amy had been practically been left under Oly's supervision from all the changes. I offered to agree; after all, there were numerous changes that I could identify. Soon enough, Amy taps me on my shoulder and motions for me to exit the facility to talk. We do just that. We stand beside a wall. She starts off by saying that she lost her words and walks away. Irony?
I decide to walk to the nearby Wal-Mart and buy a pen and paper. Along the way, I am looked at suspiciously by police members. After being too close, I saw that my watch said that it was after curfew. I walk back the same route to the quinciñera, avoiding the cop's eyes. Amy's group saw me walking back and right then, I knew they'd consider me a freak. I have no idea if they ever did, but it was the most obvious and sensible answer.
Soon enough, we get the opportunity to talk. We talk in such little enthusiasm. I try not to talk eventually. Soon, the subject I wanted to ask came about. I saw her morph right into Knight Vald, her hitting the speed denoted by the impact of each phrase. She told me all the reasons she wasn't for me.
You're 16. Almost 17! I'm 15. Your life isn't over yet
I'm everything you're against...
I never got you a present anytime. You don't deserve it.
I looked around in anger. I had to keep in my next message in... Everyone tells me this... and now you, too, Amy? I'm the only one telling myself to believe in whatever 'us' means now? You break my heart into a million pieces because you say I deserve better?
That was it, wasn't it? The official break up.
I had to depart and my mom knew that I was too angry and sad. She rarely does this; only for occasions like graduations or major birthdays... but she asked me if I wanted a burger or a shake from a fast food. I shook my head and even if my mom talks when someone's in the car, she never said anything.

I ran to my bed and almost cried myself to sleep, but the sadness went away.

SUNDAY - I spent the day cleaning everything out. I tried my best to tear her picture up almost all day - I couldn't. I wanted her. I wanted that picture we never took at the photobooth. I wanted a day with her, just walking around o-or jamming out to Dashboard again. I promise I'd be less of a mindless drone if it ever happened again. Lesson learned...

MONDAY - I got my lunch during Lunch in school. It's free, so I usually just walk away from the line as soon as I'm done. This time, though, the unexpected occured. The lady then says "Miguel? 40 cents please." I realized that at that moment, I had no control of my life. Everyone and everything controls it for me. This hadn't come to my mind, but it was like that when it flashed in my mind. No time for this. I looked around hesitantly, not wanting to hold up the line. I offered the plate back to the lunch lady and was more sad about having to practice hungry than losing the food. Annette showed up at the right time and said "Here Miguel... don't worry about this." and payed for my lunch. I had to thank her many times before getting over the guilt. Also, I joined CX Debate with Frances. This busies my schedule even more.

TUESDAY - I got a physical from the doctor. He told me that my weight is 47% off of a scale - 50% is average. I was warned to watch out for everything, and some information helped. Also, I tried to analyze Olivia's reasons with "boys are dumb" - it couldn't be solved, but it's down to five hypotheses.

WEDNESDAY - That is today, and it holds much of the week's progress. I went to a PSAT workshop and the man there cracked so many jokes that everyone was laughing at. I never laughed. I kept thinking about Amy, Oly, my rudeness at a quinciñera, toleration of being alone. I couldn't ignore it at all - this was something that if I ignored, would be a permanent, internal scar.
During band practice, I was told many times that I was wrong. The formation of the sets during marching band practice was considered wrong. I checked the line over and over. I was right. I followed what people made the picture, but it was bumping into the trumpets. I had remembered what kind of cut I left on a trumpet last year. Soon, a band director was telling me exactly what to do. Soon, I do it wrong again, so I accept it. This next time, I finally get it right, but he has to say "Well, about time! I saw you, good job." My eyes lit up. ANOTHER putdown? I'm not smart enough to realize that I got it on my own? I really do not know how many straws fit into a cup, but this was it Everything ran through my mind.
*random flashbacks they were both in*
The 'Boys are dumb' indictment.
*random flashbacks of reading that exact comment and all the people who agreed*
Being declined a job at 18 places.
*nostalgia of looking through the caller ID and never seeing a company's name on it*
Backpack being taken away for sheer fun by gangsters.
*random flashbacks when I was cornered by girls to tossed it back and front*
Feeling left out during Band and going to this everyday, with one day being the same as the previous.
*thoughts of every sigh from opening a door to the surprise - the same Band Hall*
Told that school lunch now has to be payed for, and knowing that I only have money for 2 weeks.
*thinking back to see how it all happened*
Losing Frances from Band and not having anyone to talk to for fun.
Putting up with everyday, even when stress and loneliness was added up.
*inward thought of walking alone through the halls, to school and back, sitting on the bus...*

I threw my cap on the floor and shouted "THAT'S IT! I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY STRAWS FIT INTO A CUP, BUT YOU'RE NOT FORCING ANY MORE! I'm sick! I'm through with it!" and heard people saying "Wat da ****?" and some laughing. I ran to the back of the field, and once I got there, I threw myself down and placed the trombone on the grass. I was crying and not breathing correctly.
I exploded.
Everything ran through my mind, but I cried even when it did stop. I heard the band play and play, but I didn't want to go back. Not ever. Band practice was over in 40 minutes, and I couldn't stay there for 40 minutes. Joshua, my section leader, stopped to ask why I was crying. I told him all the reasons and the last one surprised him - I wanted to quit without talking to any director about it. He told me that "deep down inside, you don't mean it", which frustrated me. The trombone director came, but no one could change my mind. I left and got back on the field for my, supposedly, last rehearsal.
A small concert followed. It was for parents to ask questions and to hear the band's marching show this year.
I was told to talk to Mr. Vergara in his office. I stood there, waiting for him with my instrument and mouthpiece in hand, ready to hand and leave. It would finally be over.
The band directors talked to me and I was still not convinced. They lay many personal experiences and one opened his feelings towards it. All of them claimed that Band members took a serious look at some people when they heard the gossip - Miguel was quitting.
They told me everything that they saw in me. They said that they saw that I had the hardest work ethic in the whole band. They claimed that 'without complaining, you come to Band, do what you gotta do, get into the library whenever someone needs music without failure, and get it done'. They said that if they had everyone like me, their jobs would be too easy. One of them claimed that he'd be out of a job if everyone was like me. I kinda chuckled, but told them the basic philosophy of trying hard. They discussed many things amongst each other in short fragments, and then repeated themselves in words. I decided that I could stay, but I still had the strongest urge to quit.
I decided that I could stay until graduation, though.
I told my mom this and she was worried enough to go outside and talk to me about it. She said that I had to make up my mind.

With the courage that you find past when the last hope has failed, I called Frances and told her everything I wanted to tell her.
Frances, this may be a burden, but... I had to say ... that without you, this life of mine is way too hard. Back then, I could deal with anything, as long as Frances was there at some point. I cried and exploded today... I told her everything and just like the Frances she is, she understood. And soon enough, I couldn't believe that she was thinking the same. She said that I was important to her life, too, and it was a big loss for us to not have the same lunch or for both of us to never talk at all. We talked about old times and how we used to walk together in Lunch and how we made things so complicated when it was simple. We both laughed and agreed to meet up early in the morning to talk like old friends renewing their friendship.
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(no subject) [Aug. 15th, 2004|12:38 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |calmcalm]
[music |Saves The Day - This Is Not An Exit]

Dear Figure,

I had a dream about her ... again. We got along this time, but in the middle of it, she left in such a slow walking speed that I only stood there, hoping she'd listen to her temptation and turn back. But because dreams aren't rational, for a very uknown cause, I remembered about a quarter I left in some arcade machine... I ran back to get it, and I don't think I ever saw an arcade machine. I saw lots of kids, hanging out, and exchanging drugs for money in such high spirits, that drugs were made legal. Other than that, I recall no other detail.

I spent most of the day thinking and wondering. On some parts of the day, I would write in this short story I'm trying to make called "Story of a Lonely Guy". It's supposed to accompany the lyrics to the song "Story of a Lonely Guy" by Blink 182. I tried to write the book as if you're reading at a normal speed and it matching the lyrics. After many trials, I found out that it doesn't work that way. T_T

I've also commented on everyone's journal on http://www.livejournal.com/users/eccentrickid/friends . I'm trying to perk up the characteristic of being nice as a last hope to be jollier. I'm not a rancher, so I'm not sure if it'll work. (Jolly Rancher)

Other than that, I've been very isolated. I get saddened at the same thoughts I've been thinking for about 10 years now. With that, I just go to the closet and do many productive things. I scratch at the walls helplessly. I look up and say "Why?", but I make the sure the lightbulb isn't on first. (it stings to look at a light's source when you have tears) I cry until I dehydrate.

Other than that, I'm listening to every song I could find by Saves The Day on a playlist as I type.
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Working Day (9-5!) [Aug. 13th, 2004|11:53 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |productive]
[music |Saves the Day - Sell My Old Clothes Off to Heaven]

Dear Figure,

I wake up and touch my heart. It was beating faster, perhaps pronouncing her name, but I was obviously somewhat panicking. I tried to remember the dream and specific details; I didn't remember it entirely, but that last part was a bit more vivid. I have no idea what happened, but instead of her parent getting mad at me, she, herself, got mad at me.

I touched my forehead. Was this a tear, from the trouble and sadness it caused, or sweat, from the panick the dream left?

I tried not to make it such a big deal, but the more I told myself to not think about it, it just made it worse. So, in my own paradox, I made myself worse.

I ate Toasted Cheery O's or sumfin' of that. It's supposed to be an imitation brand, so they SHOULD sound weird, and if you laughed, that's okay! I'm easily amused too. =) I ate and washed my own dish, then took a shower and wore civilian clothes. I wore a shirt with no design/logo so I won't be false advertising anything and wore baggy jeans that are more like parachutes. I exit the house and trod to school.

Along the way, I thought of things like "Yeah... life is so easy... just have fun and make someone else do all the work" as I saw things thrown on the floor.

I got to the Band Hall eventually and started to work right away. Soon enough, people swarmed the Band Hall. All kinds of people, too, and I don't mean characteristics. Freshmen, officers, seniors, juniors, and custodians. I was getting irritated because I was working double the work while they stood around and talked about how crooked I was making the letters from the Ellison Letter Machine. I, pretty much, in a monologue, told them to get out, and if you'd like to read the way Miguel talks when he's too serious to even bother to notice that the people are evacuating the building on account for rain, here it is!

"Listen, and listen to only me. Not your friends, especially since that one over there *points* isn't even dressed up nice enough to impress his dad. This is not a hang out spot. It's cool and looks awesome, but you made too many wrong turns and got in a wrong destination. If you are here, you should be working and helping out. If not, we'd be making jokes about how the letters look like my teeth because they're all crooked. ... well, get up! Let's go! Let's, as in, just you all. I'll even open the door for you. *walks to the door and opens it* Here's $3, go rent "Roxanne" at Movie Palace Video or sumfin'. Oldies are funny movies for their, often, ancient language and appealing dialect. *hands money* Bye."

I raise my voice, lower it, and stress the consonants like "p" and this sounds a bit more demanding. But anyway, I was working pretty hard with that Ellison Letter Machine. If people are perverted, they will make fun of you for it because you're just there, lifting that thing up and down. A long stick, too. Anyway, I made about 286 letters before I was done. Then, a director came by and said "Make me some letters, too"... eventually, I hit my mouth really hard as the long stick popped up at speeds fast enough to make wind visible. This hurt quite a lot and knocked me back involuntarily. I got to work, ignoring the pain at my greatest efforts. Eventually, ta 4:31 PM, I was officially done. I celebrated by throwing myself on the ground, both arms sprawled out in different directions. I was almost a compass when you consider that my legs must've been out, too!

My hands hurt so much, but thankfully, I am not from the Indian tribe, Lashasha Palulu, and am not required to walk on my bare hands. I follow my feet where they take me and think a lot about how you can improve things when you are fearful.

I got home and practiced "Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard on the guitar. It's semi-hard, but the way they play makes me laugh 'cause it can get tricky. (Again, I'm easily amused by dorky thoughts and puns, whether they make sense or not.) Then, I just relax and read "The Eye of the World" and watch my little sister for a while.

I got online for some time, too, to comment on everyone on my Friends' journals. I tried to make it amusing so they can at least smile. Even if they end up smiling crooked. =)

It's 12:34 AM (those numbers were easy to type), and I have to be awake at about 7:00 AM. Off I go to sleep! *poofs* Only works for Tali. T_T *logs off the correct way*
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What's it like in Miguel's extroverted attitude? [Aug. 12th, 2004|11:16 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |impatient]
[music |John Mayer - Love Song for No One]

Dear Figure,

I started the day tugging at my hair and looking at the walls repeatedly. A small guitar was going off in my head, strumming G and C, distorted, over and over. A second guitar jumped in to play whatever note the third fret and fourth fret, played in eighth notes repeatedly, are. It almost sounded like "Uptight" by Green Day and "The Reason" by Hoobastank put together. Since I show much hatred toward Hoobastank, I stopped it and got up shouting "Ohhhh ka bom!" because I needed something random to make me sound idiotic. My sister wakes up, saying "Shut the **** up and go to sleep"... so I'm like "Shikaka!" from Ace Venture. My randomness ends there and I go to the kitchen.

I point to the sink when I get there and say "GOOOOOD MORNING DISHES!", and realize that there's no dishes. I start shouting "OH MY BUDDHA! Where the heaven are the dishes!?!? There's supposed to be a mess!" I panicked for a while, but I calmed down after realizing that on some days, there will be no dishes. It was just miraculous and because I'm not superstitious, I didn't believe I had the bad luck enough to have a good day. If not, I can't make a sad LJ entry! T_T

Anyway, I decided to get back to thinking and turned on my jukebox in my head. It played her favorite song and I went back to thinking into my dream. It seemed too real. It was the fourth knight night in a row that she comes out in my dreams. But why does it always have to end with her mom getting mad at me? It made no sense, but I only have 5 of those, and a dream isn't one of them, so I understood. Of course, the reader didn't because that last line is a bad attempt at making a confusing joke. Anyway, I stood up and put my shoes in my feet - not the other way around. Just to make myself do 1.3 times the work. (yes, I calculated)

I... *dramatic pause* uh...*end dramatic pause* put them on and pretended to fall in the middle of the hallway for fun*. I finally fell down pretty hard from faking so hard. It fit really well, and I was staring at the ceiling. I felt like thinking back into life. So I did.

After doing these kind of things for 4 hours by myself, I got ready and cooked Lunch for everybody. I took a shower... [details skipped]... I realized my zipper was open so I stuffed it with orange toilet paper to stuff it up so no one would notice it was open, and I got out of the restroom. I got the necessary items and headed to the same high school I go to almost every day - twice on weekdays.

I open the doors to the cafeteria and there is nobody. I was looking under the tables, saying "Just shout SURPRISE! I have arrived." No one was in the cafeteria, so I had the privilege to do so. I held off from any more random comments, except it was just too fun. "PEEK-A-BOO! 1, 2, 3 for me!"

I got into the Band Hall and everyone was there. I mean EVERYONE. People I had no idea existed were there. In simpler terms, strangers. I sat against the floor and wall and minded my own business. Not that I work for somebody, anyway. I counted my money for fun. I re-read some of the things I have in my wallet, but it made me think of the prom I went to when I was in ninth grade.

I drank milk to shake off the thoughts. Combined, that's a ... milk shake! *laughs at his own joke* It worked because I love dare-y products. I dare you to drink milk, too! Anyway, soon, we were unpacking brown colored boxes off a huge trailor and sticking it in order at the cafeteria. Soon, we opened the dull, but colorful boxes and made an assembly line. I opened a bag, the next person stuffed 2 pens in it. Preceding, the next person stuffed 2 pencils, then the next person stuck theme paper in it, and so on. The bag had a coloring book, 2 pencils, 2 pens, 1 notebook, 150 pages, 2 folders, and 2 keychains. We made about 1200 and then stuffed the extras into the truck. I was in the trailor, sticking it in order, while thanking everyone for bringing the bags to me. I would be like
"GOOD JOB! You're so strong! You're so strong! I wanna make a song about it!"
"AWESOME WORK! Imagine when you work. You'll get 2 promotions a day, and you could fire your own boss!"
"Good job, Cindy! If you weren't a girl, you'd be Spider Man... um, yeah, you too Genaro. You can be... Spider Man 2."
" Whoa! You're the strongest person in this band!... next to all the people I told that just a while ago"

These are not clever, but it goes nice with the fake voices I make to enunciate them.

After all the hard work was done, I got 5 hours of community service. I thanked everyone for coming, using even more idiotic quotes.

"Thank you for coming! If it wasn't for you, we'd still be unloading from the trailor.
"Thanks, thanks, thank you for coming! Here, I wrote a praise letter for your parents to read. *hands blank paper over*"

I left, feeling like a 16 year old for being so extroverted with strangers.

I got home and read The Eye of the World. Soon, I just sat on my couch staring into the window, not thinking.

How many more days do I have to bear this loneliness? 687 days left for graduation... and I'm tired of waiting alone. Why won't you wait with me, stranger-I-really-want-to-meet-already? But I'd like to thank Johanna and Christine... they've kept me happy with just the reply to that last post. Without you, I wouldn't smile as often. I'll go be a loser somewhere else now. *goes and plays the lottery*

* Not all readers will find this fun. Parental guidance advised. The performance of falling down was done by a professional. Caution should be taken.
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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2004|10:21 pm]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

Hablo el español porque el vocabulario de los otros a cambiado tambien. Pues, el mío cambia tambien. Usted, por favor, no tenga la carga que hizo algo mal; yo, solamente, quiero ser comos los que viven aqui.

Bueno, todo lo que ha pasado es malo. Muuuuuy malo. Es como si cambio la lengua a alguien que pensa mejor en inglés que en español! En miércoles, me puse a trabajar, otra vez, a la biblioteca de la Venda Pasillo (descupalme, no se como decirlo en español sin usando el crítico traducción). Comencé a poner los papeles en el orden que necesitan estar, pero me puse a pensar, tambien. Éste es cómo los accidentes comienzan! o_o ¿Comencé a pensar en todos los insultos que yo a recibidos hasta este punto - significo, por qué sigo vivindo aquí, de todas formas? Cómo mi mal humor comenzó, comencé a conseguir cansado y cansado, también. Es mala suerte si sige. Pense y pense...

MIGUEL:¡Deja mi mochila en paz!
NIÑA: ¡Que bueno! Es mejor para mi que es tu mochila porque puedo sentir el buen humor que recibo de estirandala! *estira*
MIGUEL: ¡Dejame en paz! *una mirada enojada*
TODOS: *reír*
MIGUEL: *salir*
TODOS: ¡Sígalo! *todavía riendo*

MIGUEL: Es como todo mi vida, a esperado para este momento, y cuando llega, no lo puedo vivir por que estas en frente de mi y usted toma todo el espacio para visión lo.
SEÑOR: Usted es el que el espacio esta perdido. Mi vida puediva ser mas mejor si tu nunca estabas vivo, guerco chiflado.

Los que vienen para reír de mi y para los que piensan que yo digo mentiras, te doy dando una gran oportunidad para hacer eso. Dale, comienza. Porque con más pensamientos, mi cólera estalló. Golpeé todos las carpetas y papeles que estaban en mi vista cuando me enoje. Escoje cualquiera carpeta de la bilioteca y lo arrojé dondequiera que hubiera espacio vacío. El director entro la biblioteca y me pregunto "¡MIGUEL! ¿Que es esto?" Estaba asustado que se enojo y me iba hacer algo, pero era imposible controlarme. Se río y dijo "No te asustes. Dale, trabaja. ¡Ya se como puede ser este trabajo!" y se fue. No me regaño como pense, y me reí.

Mas cosas que me hizo pensar paso, pero a controlado el mal humor. Lloro mucho, especialmente en las noches, cuando todo lo que podría ver es el mismo techo. Los rasgones se manchan en la almohadilla.

Estas siguiente frases puede decirlo todo en mas pequeño palabras. Peinso que nadie en mi categoría de edad tiene que caminar a casa y detrás de escuela, llevo un autobús los lugares, me doy consejo, etcétera. Por eso estoy enojado. Es mas, los que son los que hacen lo que no deben de hacer en su mente, estan en todo mi vida. Estoy seguro que siento muy solo. Dos años es mucho cuando no estas feliz y estas limpiando las vasijas para los que no le pueden valer menos.

Descupalme si no se entiendo mucho o es muy lengua del bebé, mi inglés esta mas mejor que esto.
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Occurences occuring while begging for forgiveness by being obedient. [Jul. 24th, 2004|11:08 pm]
Emo Dork
[mood |vanquished]
[music |Burns Out Bright - Watership Down]

Your Highness,

The hands scratch at the walls. The stomach longs for food, vomiting for the first time since the first grade. The weather is, in which I have no idea, very cold. Always shivering. The jealousy runs out; just to run back inside for safety because even the silly emotion, jealousy, is too fearful of the world. How much warmer a freezer must be! In that of ten systems, all hiding in my pocket, all seem to fail when translated from abstract to concrete. Emotions deeper than fear are too harsh to explain in concrete ideas. Inside my isolation, all that remains as hope is the dragging of time. Time drags you along, no matter in which emotion. It is not hope in which I have, but an implied hope in which I must succumb to due to impossibilities. And what kind of endurance that creates the temptation to fiercely kick at any earth-produced material to produce a amplified-relevant sound that could carry off an earthquake on pure repercussion. My mouth sucks air for my running nose and here, upon in which I sharpen pencils with for the transformation of emotional pain to physical injury, is the fossil of something beautiful derived from the myth of the fairy tale that can not exist because of its expeditious degeneration. My mind only repeats thoughts identical to its previous, leaving the same judgement only. It encourages tears to pass by as a body necessity. A paralysis strikes for any thought too heavy for impromptu comprehension. No scribbling on my journal exists on account of the rain that falls from 2 inches above it. The journal must be unobtrusive as tears settle and have described the collision of negativity, optimism, and the exalted faces that must be seen in a mind, incorporating unseen rivals into its misery, onto a paper that is too light to be burdened by a bulky notion. Legs shake enough for milk to be added, resulting to the produce of a nice, McDonald's treat. Hands collide against the skull in mid-thought, assuming a role of a medicine and attempting to make everything better in one hit. Anger, in its strongest form, monopolizes invincibility's meaning and was felt when the pain that, expectedly, never transpired as the chin associated with the foundation of the atmosphere. And when the self-pitied body creature gazes at the ground, it never thought it'd envy an earthworm...

Thoughts run so freely, that paranoia and blurry, non-existent designs lay their outline to further alarm the soul of its quietus.
"Thesaurus" starts to sound like a dinosaur.
"Pharmacy" begins to emit a depiction of a simulacrum to agriculture.
"Campaign" assumes a connotation of pain incurred from sleeping too long in a tent.

So enfeebled and a body held insubstantially, that spontaneous combustion is anticipated.

I'm begging for forgiveness on my knees, elbows, and jaw. Tears serve the way to surrogate a red carpet for your entrance, your Majesty. I will always (forever and today) linger for the opportunity that I will never serve as a bane ever again. I won't promise it, that way, it can happen as so.

I haven't cried my last, I swear
, but please hear me out
could we discuss this?
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(no subject) [Jul. 23rd, 2004|06:05 am]
Emo Dork
[mood |rejuvenatedrejuvenated]

Dear Christine,

Thank you. I'll always remember that. Whether there is an afterlife or not, your good deeds will always live on; that makes you immortal! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
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(no subject) [Jul. 22nd, 2004|04:14 pm]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

Aid needed.

Can't believe I'm giving out my number online... please, help needed, only if possible... I can't make an important decision like this in a bad mood.
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(no subject) [Jul. 21st, 2004|12:23 am]
Emo Dork
Dear Figure,

Everyone in my house is crying right now. They provoke things with fights. Everyone is crying loudly.

Everyone except for me.
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