|Most Important Week of My Life
||[Aug. 25th, 2004|08:52 pm]
|||||Green Day - Hold On||]|
This isn't a shout out to people; this is just a forewarning. This entry is not intended for people who come for humor or much of a happy smile. It's serious, indicating that this might be taken as a life lesson or as boring.
SATURDAY - The week started off on Saturday when I boarded the bus. I was going to a quinciñera that would start at 8:00 PM. I got on the bus and it took me right to the bus station. Once there, I looked for a map to get to the place. I could walk for about 40 minutes and make it, but that would mean to make it late. I got on a bus that I thought would go to the place; I realized it was going into places of Laredo I had never seen. I was scared, but I polymorphed into Death Knight, which would help me stay calm and focused. I asked for a stop and got off on the place most familiar to me, although it had been since I was 8 that I had seen it. To the left of the place was a place I had gone for Halloween Trick-Or-Treating - I knew how the houses here looked like before, but now they were worse. Most windows used tape to keep the window up. Some houses had their lights on; some didn't. I stood on the bus stop and waited for another bus to come on by. This one would take me closer to where I needed to. I believed this as much as I could for every second that passed by.
Save me, please. I can't stay here. The sun is setting...
The bus wasn't passing by. Will it ever? Would my own memory fail me?
I started to think. If I don't take the bus, where can I walk? Do I ring a doorbell? What shall I do? I'll stay here and as I think, the bus has to come.
I could feel each second passing by. The bus station was also scheduled to stop at 9:00 PM from my knowledge. It was around 8:12 PM.
8:22 PM came. Where... is it?
I walked the route backwards when I heard the noise. The bus was coming. I chuckled myself out of nervousness and ran back to the bus stop, and surely enough, a man got off and said "Corale, mijito, corale!" And so I did.
I got on and somehow, it happened again. It wasn't taking me anywhere familiar. The world seemed to get too complicated. A man rang the bus stop request, and he went out. I decided to walk out too before I get any more lost.
Where am I? I thought of asking him, but he was carrying a beverage that could only be beer from the colors. I have to ask.
I didn't ask.
About 2 minutes later, a bus came. This was my third dollar down the machine. Money conscious... leave it to the past time. I got on and sat, hugging myself and making myself believe that I was okay.
The bus was close enough for me to make out the colors of the nearby Toys'R'Us. I got off the bus and jogged to the Toys'R'Us. I found a way around the place and looked for the building the quinciñera was at. Finally, it was in view. It looked like a war refuge when I saw it. I walked in placidly, not expecting anyone to see me. On the doorway, Vanessa G. and Cristine, two great friends to my crush, waved at me. Vanessa offered a hug, so I gave it. Small talk occured and ended in less than 30 seconds.
I took a seat in the quinciñera and was offered food. I ate it and drank the red, tasteless, but thirst-quenching beverage. It was alright, and I didn't want to seem like if I really needed a drink. I drank it like most people do - two sips, place down, and two sips again soon enough. Delighted from the meal, I was worried about my breath. I rush into the restroom and use SCOPE Mouthwash. I try not to look as if I'm chugging it as I place 20 mL into my mouth. I time myself, spit it out, and rush out.
Tali, the person the quinciñera was for, noticed me soon enough. She motioned for me to look some way, saying "HURMPH HURMPH is here", using the HURMPH as the noise from a nudge. I nod my head in agreement, even though I have less than a candy idea for what she
mint meant. I decide to look outside and in all the fame she glorifies in my head, Amy was there.
Her friends and her were having fun. Everyone went inside eventually, and I did too. I took out my handy notes in my wallet and read over so many of them. Vanessa G. noticed me and took a seat next to me. She questioned me to why I was alone, and created what could be the perfect soliloquoy to a play. It was almost as if she memorized her lines, because they came out so meaningful that they held too much truth for even delegates to decline. She told me how she was leaving and that Amy had been practically been left under Oly's supervision from all the changes. I offered to agree; after all, there were numerous changes that I could identify. Soon enough, Amy taps me on my shoulder and motions for me to exit the facility to talk. We do just that. We stand beside a wall. She starts off by saying that she lost her words and walks away. Irony?
I decide to walk to the nearby Wal-Mart and buy a pen and paper. Along the way, I am looked at suspiciously by police members. After being too close, I saw that my watch said that it was after curfew. I walk back the same route to the quinciñera, avoiding the cop's eyes. Amy's group saw me walking back and right then, I knew they'd consider me a freak. I have no idea if they ever did, but it was the most obvious and sensible answer.
Soon enough, we get the opportunity to talk. We talk in such little enthusiasm. I try not to talk eventually. Soon, the subject I wanted to ask came about. I saw her morph right into Knight Vald, her hitting the speed denoted by the impact of each phrase. She told me all the reasons she wasn't for me.
You're 16. Almost 17! I'm 15. Your life isn't over yet
I'm everything you're against...
I never got you a present anytime. You don't deserve it.
I looked around in anger. I had to keep in my next message in... Everyone tells me this... and now you, too, Amy? I'm the only one telling myself to believe in whatever 'us' means now? You break my heart into a million pieces because you say I deserve better?
That was it, wasn't it? The official break up.
I had to depart and my mom knew that I was too angry and sad. She rarely does this; only for occasions like graduations or major birthdays... but she asked me if I wanted a burger or a shake from a fast food. I shook my head and even if my mom talks when someone's in the car, she never said anything.
I ran to my bed and almost cried myself to sleep, but the sadness went away.
SUNDAY - I spent the day cleaning everything out. I tried my best to tear her picture up almost all day - I couldn't. I wanted her. I wanted that picture we never took at the photobooth. I wanted a day with her, just walking around o-or jamming out to Dashboard again. I promise I'd be less of a mindless drone if it ever happened again. Lesson learned...
MONDAY - I got my lunch during Lunch in school. It's free, so I usually just walk away from the line as soon as I'm done. This time, though, the unexpected occured. The lady then says "Miguel? 40 cents please." I realized that at that moment, I had no control of my life. Everyone and everything controls it for me. This hadn't come to my mind, but it was like that when it flashed in my mind. No time for this. I looked around hesitantly, not wanting to hold up the line. I offered the plate back to the lunch lady and was more sad about having to practice hungry than losing the food. Annette showed up at the right time and said "Here Miguel... don't worry about this." and payed for my lunch. I had to thank her many times before getting over the guilt. Also, I joined CX Debate with Frances. This busies my schedule even more.
TUESDAY - I got a physical from the doctor. He told me that my weight is 47% off of a scale - 50% is average. I was warned to watch out for everything, and some information helped. Also, I tried to analyze Olivia's reasons with "boys are dumb" - it couldn't be solved, but it's down to five hypotheses.
WEDNESDAY - That is today, and it holds much of the week's progress. I went to a PSAT workshop and the man there cracked so many jokes that everyone was laughing at. I never laughed. I kept thinking about Amy, Oly, my rudeness at a quinciñera, toleration of being alone. I couldn't ignore it at all - this was something that if I ignored, would be a permanent, internal scar.
During band practice, I was told many times that I was wrong. The formation of the sets during marching band practice was considered wrong. I checked the line over and over. I was right. I followed what people made the picture, but it was bumping into the trumpets. I had remembered what kind of cut I left on a trumpet last year. Soon, a band director was telling me exactly what to do. Soon, I do it wrong again, so I accept it. This next time, I finally get it right, but he has to say "Well, about time! I saw you, good job." My eyes lit up. ANOTHER putdown? I'm not smart enough to realize that I got it on my own? I really do not know how many straws fit into a cup, but this was it Everything ran through my mind.
*random flashbacks they were both in*
The 'Boys are dumb' indictment.
*random flashbacks of reading that exact comment and all the people who agreed*
Being declined a job at 18 places.
*nostalgia of looking through the caller ID and never seeing a company's name on it*
Backpack being taken away for sheer fun by gangsters.
*random flashbacks when I was cornered by girls to tossed it back and front*
Feeling left out during Band and going to this everyday, with one day being the same as the previous.
*thoughts of every sigh from opening a door to the surprise - the same Band Hall*
Told that school lunch now has to be payed for, and knowing that I only have money for 2 weeks.
*thinking back to see how it all happened*
Losing Frances from Band and not having anyone to talk to for fun.
Putting up with everyday, even when stress and loneliness was added up.
*inward thought of walking alone through the halls, to school and back, sitting on the bus...*
I threw my cap on the floor and shouted "THAT'S IT! I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY STRAWS FIT INTO A CUP, BUT YOU'RE NOT FORCING ANY MORE! I'm sick! I'm through with it!" and heard people saying "Wat da ****?" and some laughing. I ran to the back of the field, and once I got there, I threw myself down and placed the trombone on the grass. I was crying and not breathing correctly.
Everything ran through my mind, but I cried even when it did stop. I heard the band play and play, but I didn't want to go back. Not ever. Band practice was over in 40 minutes, and I couldn't stay there for 40 minutes. Joshua, my section leader, stopped to ask why I was crying. I told him all the reasons and the last one surprised him - I wanted to quit without talking to any director about it. He told me that "deep down inside, you don't mean it", which frustrated me. The trombone director came, but no one could change my mind. I left and got back on the field for my, supposedly, last rehearsal.
A small concert followed. It was for parents to ask questions and to hear the band's marching show this year.
I was told to talk to Mr. Vergara in his office. I stood there, waiting for him with my instrument and mouthpiece in hand, ready to hand and leave. It would finally be over.
The band directors talked to me and I was still not convinced. They lay many personal experiences and one opened his feelings towards it. All of them claimed that Band members took a serious look at some people when they heard the gossip - Miguel was quitting.
They told me everything that they saw in me. They said that they saw that I had the hardest work ethic in the whole band. They claimed that 'without complaining, you come to Band, do what you gotta do, get into the library whenever someone needs music without failure, and get it done'. They said that if they had everyone like me, their jobs would be too easy. One of them claimed that he'd be out of a job if everyone was like me. I kinda chuckled, but told them the basic philosophy of trying hard. They discussed many things amongst each other in short fragments, and then repeated themselves in words. I decided that I could stay, but I still had the strongest urge to quit.
I decided that I could stay until graduation, though.
I told my mom this and she was worried enough to go outside and talk to me about it. She said that I had to make up my mind.
With the courage that you find past when the last hope has failed, I called Frances and told her everything I wanted to tell her.
Frances, this may be a burden, but... I had to say ... that without you, this life of mine is way too hard. Back then, I could deal with anything, as long as Frances was there at some point. I cried and exploded today... I told her everything and just like the Frances she is, she understood. And soon enough, I couldn't believe that she was thinking the same. She said that I was important to her life, too, and it was a big loss for us to not have the same lunch or for both of us to never talk at all. We talked about old times and how we used to walk together in Lunch and how we made things so complicated when it was simple. We both laughed and agreed to meet up early in the morning to talk like old friends renewing their friendship.